Ma, I've Got Meself Locked Up in the Mad House Read online

  I drove into the flats and parked the car. It’s safe here. They don’t rob their own – honour among thieves.

  ‘Martha!’

  I looked around to see who was calling me. Ah! The bold Teddy. Me eyes narrowed, watching the carry-on of him.

  ‘Dish is me sister. The one I was telling youse about!’ He waved his arm like he was giving out benediction to a crowd of fellas standing around him. He was drunk as a skunk! I walked over to the stairs, and he tried to stand up.

  The fellas moved to let me pass, and Teddy tried to grab me around the shoulders, and cried, ‘Dish is Martha! She’s me big sister!’

  They all flicked their eyes up and down me, giving half-smiles. Then they nodded their heads, lowering their eyes, then moved away a little, giving me more room.

  I looked at Teddy, seeing him the image of Jackser and getting more like him every day. He took a swig of a drink from a big cider bottle and wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket.

  ‘Right! Give me that, you!’ and I lunged for the bottle, grabbing it out of his hand before he knew what happened. ‘No more drink, Teddy!’ I roared, pouring it onto the grass. ‘This is what killed Harry in the first place!’ I screamed, losing me rag with disgust. He should be up looking after everyone.

  He was too gobsmacked to say anything. His eyes stared at the empty bottle as I raced to the chute and threw it down.

  ‘Now, you! Up them stairs,’ and I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him up the stairs.

  ‘Ah, Martha! Wha did ye go an do tha for? I’m in bits over Harry.’

  ‘Yes! So you are going to go up them stairs and put your head under that cold tap in the bathroom and sober up. You have fifteen minutes before that car arrives to take us to collect him. Teddy! You are not going to let Harry down! He would want you to be stone-cold sober and to give him a quiet and respectable send-off. He doesn’t want any fucking blackguarding! Do you get that?’

  I stopped on the stairs and lowered my face into his, staring into his eyes. He stared back, looking confused. ‘Do it for him, Teddy,’ I whispered. ‘One last time. Stay sober, stay in the house, look after the ma. Make Harry proud of us. Will you do that, Teddy?’

  I lowered my face even closer to his. He stared at me, showing his heart had been ripped outa him. Harry and him had been like Siamese twins. You see one, you see the other.

  ‘Darling, do it for Harry,’ I said, wrapping me hands on his face.

  He closed his eyes and blinked, shaking his head at me. I took him into my arms, and he cried quietly. I said nothing. Just held him. ‘OK, Teddy. Let’s go up,’ I said quietly.

  Me ma was standing in her bare feet, staring at the black tights I bought her.

  ‘Hurry up, Ma! You have to get ready!’

  ‘Ah, no. I wouldn’t wear them,’ she said, chewing her lip, holding them away from her as if they were going to bite her.

  I stared at her white blouse and black cardigan over the black skirt. She looked fine until you got down to her white hairy legs!

  ‘Come on, Ma! Sit down,’ and I pushed her sitting on the bed. ‘Now try them on!’ and I grabbed her foot, rolling up the tights. But they got caught in her toenails.

  ‘Ah, Ma! For the luv a Jaysus! Look at the length of your toenails! Did you ever cut them in your life?’ I said, trying to hold her foot and peel the tights back without laddering them.

  ‘Ah! Don’t be annoyin me! You an yer bleedin tights!’ she whined, snatching her foot back.

  ‘Holy Jaysus! Has anyone made me a sup a tea yet?’ Jackser roared, his head appearing at the bedroom door.

  I looked up at him standing there, glaring from me to the ma, his fists curled down by his sides.

  ‘Jackser!’

  ‘Wha?’ he snorted, leaning over to hear what I was going to say.

  ‘Make your own fucking tea!’ I said quietly.

  He paused, his head still leaning towards me. Then it hit him and he straightened his back.

  ‘Righ! Tha’s it! Youse can all go and fuck yerselves. I’m doin no more fer ye’s! Tha bleedin car is goin te be here any minute now an none a youse is ready. So! They’ll just turn tha fuckin car aroun an go off wit out the lot of ye’s. So youse may WALK! So fuck ye’s!’ he roared, marching up the hall.

  ‘God, Ma! How do you stand it?’ I said, swinging my head back to look at the ma.

  ‘Ah, don’t be mindin tha fuckin eegit,’ she said, looking down at the stockings.

  ‘Ma! You are wearing these,’ and I grabbed her foot again, curling the tights carefully over her steel nails.

  ‘No! I’m not wearin them!’ she laughed, trying to get her foot back. ‘They’ll only fall offa me!’

  ‘No! Come on, they won’t. Now stand up and pull them on.’

  I lifted her to her feet, grabbing for her shoes.

  ‘They’re grand,’ I said pulling them the rest of the way up and pulling down her skirt. ‘Now sit down and put these shoes on. You are the same size as me. They’re black, Ma. They will go with the skirt and jumper.’

  I stood back to look at her. ‘Yeah, you’re fine,’ I said, eyeing her hair. Pity I didn’t get a chance to wash it. ‘Right! Get your coat, and here’s the black scarf I bought you,’ I said, lifting it out of the bag.

  ‘Maaa! Where’s me navy-blue jumper?’ young Sally roared, flying her head in the door, glaring at me ma. Then she swung back out again before me ma had a chance to open her mouth.

  ‘Dinah! Did you take me new jumper? Cos if ye did . . .’

  ‘I didn’t see no jumper!’ Dinah roared back.

  ‘Ah, Ma! They have to be ready on time,’ I said, looking at the ma, seeing her staring down at her legs.

  ‘Do ye think I look all right, Martha?’ me ma asked, looking down at herself and swinging herself from side to side.

  ‘Of course you do, Ma. You look grand,’ I said, sweeping past her and heading for the front door. ‘But come on! Hurry, Ma! Will you get them out the door? We have to leave.’

  I raced down the stairs and over to my car, grabbing my tobacco from the front seat. I’m dying for a cigarette. I put the tobacco in my bag and lit up, taking a deep puff into my lungs. I would love a cup of tea to go with this. Then I spotted the car cruising past the shops, heading down to the flats. I turned suddenly, about to make a run up to the flat to warn the others, when I spotted a familiar figure standing over by the wall, close to the stairs. Our eyes locked.

  ‘Martha!’ she whispered, looking very frightened.

  ‘Nora!’ I stared, not taking her in for a minute. She stood there next to another girl. The girl was trying to look like she’d protect Nora with her life. She was standing very stiff, with her lips clamped together. Then she threw her head back in defiance when she saw I spotted them. But I saw, too, the fear in her eyes. That must be Nora’s big sister.

  I rushed over, taking Nora’s hands and squeezing them. ‘You got here, then,’ I whispered, looking into her huge grey eyes. They’re all red and swollen from crying. She was white as a sheet, with deep purple circles under her eyes. She could have been twelve years old, she looked so young and frightened.

  ‘Oh, Martha! Martha, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe wha’s happened. He’s gone! Just like tha! Gone for ever,’ she said, waving her hands at me, then looking at the ground. Not able to take any of it in.

  She started to cry. I watched her face breaking up and huge tears started rolling down her cheeks.

  ‘I’m so afraid,’ she whispered, lifting her head to look at me. ‘Will you tell the rest of them? I had te get away, Martha,’ she said, looking down at her hands. ‘We were supposed te make a new start, on our own.’

  She stared into another time, another place, remembering. Then she slowly raised her eyes up to the ma’s flat. ‘I couldn’t take any more, Martha,’ she said, putting her arm lightly on mine.

  I held it, listening to her. Seeing the terrible pain, the torture, the loss and the bewilderment – it all stared out through he
r eyes.

  ‘So I left him,’ she whispered. ‘Even though we were married an had our own place. They were always after Harry, night an day. They couldn’t do anythin te help themselves, an Teddy couldn’t give a damn. He was always missin. Ye very seldom find him up there, but Harry! My Harry. He was too soft, Martha.’

  Then she collapsed crying. I wrapped my arms around her, hugging her very tight.

  ‘You did the right thing, Nora! You got away! Harry couldn’t. That’s all. Don’t blame yourself for having great courage. Because that’s what it took for you to get away and do it on your own. You have to protect your children and yourself.

  ‘Listen, Nora. I want you to listen very carefully. This is very important,’ I said, taking her face in my hands and penetrating her eyes, looking for her awareness. ‘Harry died here, trapped by them. Sally and Jackser. You and the children made him very happy, for the first time in his life. But you could never have saved him. Nobody could! The damage was done long before you met him. But remember, Nora, he is going to his grave knowing what it is to be loved. You gave him that, and you are the bravest woman I know. You got your children away from them, and now you can give them a better life.

  ‘Be happy, Nora. You were only meant to have him for a short while, and always remember you fought like a tigress to save your family, but no one is a match for them. You can’t fight madness! You just run for your life.

  ‘Do you know the reason I escaped them, Nora? Because I didn’t belong to Jackser, and the ma turned her back on me because he didn’t want me. So I wasn’t one of them, either.

  ‘I was put away because of them. So, in the end, they did me a big favour. Because when I left the convent at sixteen, I had to make my own way in the world. It was bloody tough, Nora. Lonely, but it was worth it. You do survive! And life is what you make it. You’re tough. You got this far, and I have to give it to you, you are here now, ready to stand up to them just so you can walk that last mile with Harry,’ I said, smiling at her. ‘Just keep your nerve, Nora. Don’t let them get the better of you, and I won’t be far away. Now! Wherever you are, don’t ever let any of them here know. Don’t look back! Keep moving forward.

  ‘I am going to give you my telephone number, and if you ever need my help, I won’t let you down.’ I looked at her, seeing her shake her head up and down slowly. Then her eyes followed my hands reaching into the bag. I took out my notebook and scribbled down my name and phone number.

  ‘Here! Take this, Nora,’ I said, handing her the piece of paper.

  She looked at it, then folded it carefully and put it in her pocket. Then she took out a tissue and sniffed, wiping her nose with the tissue. ‘Thanks, Martha,’ she whispered, trying to give me a smile. But it came out very weak. Her face was too stiff from all the tears.

  ‘You will be fine, Nora darling,’ I said, pulling her to me, giving her a tight hug, then holding her. ‘I promise you,’ I whispered, looking into her haunted eyes and stroking her face.

  14

  * * *

  The car had stopped at the entrance to the stairs, and the driver was holding open the door, watching them all pile in. I stepped out from behind the stairs, holding Nora’s hand. The ma appeared and stopped dead, staring at Nora. Everyone stared out of the car.

  Suddenly, Aggie – she was born when I was in the convent – lunged out of the car and came rushing over to stand beside the ma, looking at Nora like she wanted to say something.

  ‘Come on,’ the ma said. ‘Are ye getting in, love?’ she whispered softly, talking to Nora very quietly. Then she grabbed hold of Aggie, pushing her towards the car, saying, ‘Come on! Everyone get inta the car. We have te get goin!’

  Me ma climbed in first, bending her head, then sat down. Aggie was next. Suddenly she stopped, leaving her arse hanging in the air. ‘Here!’ she screamed. ‘Move over! Youse lot are not stickin me on tha little bleedin seat! Ma! Tell them. I’m not the youngest. He is!’ she roared, making a grab for Gerry. He was sitting next to the aul fella.

  ‘Sit down!’ he roared.

  ‘No! I’m not gettin in! Get up!’ she huffed, trying to drag at Gerry.

  ‘Leave him be!’ little Sally heaved, pulling him back.

  ‘Get in!’ I roared.

  ‘Fuck off, you! Who put her in charge?’ she whipped, landing her vengeance on me.

  ‘That’s it!’ I snorted, losing me rag and giving her a good push, trying to get her in. But she resisted, holding on to the outside of the door. All I could do was heave her arse in and out.

  The driver waited patiently, saying nothing. He stood with his hat under his arm, just waiting to close the door.

  ‘Ger in!’ Teddy shouted, suddenly jumping up and pressing her neck down, pulling her into the car. Then the door was shut. I could hear the rumble of voices all arguing inside the car.

  Jaysus! Am I glad not to be stuck inside that! I thought, breathing heavily, trying to get me breath back. I stood with my chest still heaving up and down, feeling very weak now, then looked at poor Nora standing at the wall.

  ‘Listen,’ I said, walking over to the driver. He eyed me warily, staring at me, wondering what was coming next. ‘Put her,’ and I rushed over, taking Nora gently by the waist, ‘into the front seat with you. She’s Harry’s widow.’

  He hesitated, trying to take in what’s going on around him. I opened the front-seat passenger door, and he came to life and moved into action.

  ‘Yes! Of course ye can sit in the front, love!’ and he very gently helped her in and shut the door.

  ‘I’m going to follow behind you,’ I said, making for my own car. Enough is enough! I thought. I wonder why Charlie didn’t turn up? Jesus! This is not the time to keep away, Charlie. You have your own troubles, I know. But! Ah, he’ll probably go straight to the morgue at the hospital. I grabbed my bag, opening it, and tore out my tobacco pack, rolling a cigarette.

  My hands were shaking. Jesus! I’m not able for this carry-on any more. I haven’t got the health for it. I lit the cigarette, taking a deep drag, and started the engine. The funeral car was now taking off, and Aggie’s face glared out at me from the back of the car. They were all still mouthing to each other, probably telling each other what to do. Yeah, better them than me. Thank God for small mercies. I like me bit of peace.

  The car eased its way through the grounds of the hospital, stopping outside the chapel of rest. I pulled up behind it and parked closer to the wall, keeping well out of the way. I slammed the car door shut and stopped to take in a deep breath, then steady myself. I was beginning to feel a bit of weakness. It was running from me belly, making its way down to me legs. ‘Right! I’m ready,’ I muttered, taking another deep breath, then followed them in.

  I stopped in surprise, taking in the huge size of the room. It’s lovely, I thought, seeing the new deep-pile carpet and the walls lovely and bright. It was painted a snow-white. They have it well lit up, I thought, feeling the carpet sinking under me feet as I walked. I settled my eyes on the middle of the room, taking in where Harry lay. They had him on a long slab, covered with a white linen cloth, with the coffin open, resting on top. I slowly made my way over, walking past him, and stopped at his feet.

  Jackser was staring down at him. Then he slowly lifted his arms, reaching down with his hands, and held Harry’s face, stroking him with infinite gentleness. I stared, never seeing this side of him before. His face was grief-stricken. I watched as his head kept moving slowly towards Harry. It was like he was being pulled down, with his head getting slowly drawn into the coffin. His eyes looked like he was hypnotised.

  When his face reached Harry’s forehead, he pressed his lips down, leaving them lingering there. Then he lifted his head and stared into Harry’s face, looking like someone had cut his heart out. Then he said, very quietly, barely above a whisper, ‘Sleep. Sleep in peace, son. If only I could give ye back yer life, I wouldn’t hesitate. No! Not for one hair’s breadth, son, would I hesitate te take yer place. I’m goin te miss you n
ow, wit every breath in me, for the rest of the days of me life. Yeah, Harry. Righ until the day I die.’ Then his eyes and hands followed slowly down the length of Harry, gently stroking him. He stopped at Harry’s joined hands and covered them with his own.

  As I stared impassively at Jackser, I felt a momentary stirring of sympathy for him. He was suffering great pain. Even if it was of his own making. It was a glimpse of him I rarely saw.

  ‘Jackser,’ I whispered, moving up close beside him, taking the rosary beads out of my pocket. The Reverend Mother had given them to me the day I left the convent for the last time. ‘Wrap these around his hands,’ I whispered. ‘He’ll take something with him from us, to protect him on his way.’

  Jackser stared down at the rosary beads. They were mother-of-pearl. I held them out to him. ‘Oh, God! Yes! He’ll need them,’ Jackser said, taking them out of my hands. He leaned in and wrapped them through Harry’s fingers, laying the cross over his hands.

  Dinah came quietly over, standing beside me. She stared at Harry, letting her eyes travel the length of him. ‘He was so tall,’ she breathed. ‘Look at the length of him, Martha! I never noticed tha about him before,’ she said, shaking her head with a terrible sense of loss and bewilderment.

  ‘Yeah, he really was tall,’ I said, noticing he must have been nearly . . . I don’t know, would he have been six foot? How did he ever get to be that tall? I wondered. When there had been no feeding put into him when he was a child. Maybe the dinners I brought home as a kid helped. Then I looked at Dinah. She’s twice the size of meself, it’s only Charlie and me are the smallest, even Gerry is taller. It must be on Jackser’s side. But he’s not tall, and the ma is the same size as me. I wonder where they all got the height from?

  ‘Sally!’

  I looked up, and Jackser was whispering over to the ma, who was standing well away, clinging to the wall.