Ma, I'm Gettin Meself a New Mammy Read online

  ‘In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen,’ the nun breathed, blessin herself wit the cross of the rosary beads an kissin it. Then everyone stood up an made fer the door.

  ‘Come along now, pet, and we’ll go down to the refectory,’ she said, makin te take me arm.

  Some of them were sittin an chattin an arguin, an the nun looked aroun an clapped her hands an shouted, ‘Would you please all do as you are told! It’s tea time for the love of God.’

  ‘Sister! I swept the refectory for you at lunchtime today. That big mope Terry Brown was supposed to do it, but she went off an left me to do all the washing up an everything by myself!’

  ‘Thank you, pet, you are very good,’ whispered the nun, lookin very distracted an pattin yer woman on the arm an lookin back at the stragglers wit her face twisted as if she was in pain. ‘Oh, give me patience,’ she muttered te the ceilin, screwin up her eyes an takin me arm an holdin onta the other one’s arm.

  We made it down the passage wit the lovely shiny brown tiles an past rooms wit big glass windas lookin inta tables an chairs wit younger kids all shoutin an slappin, an the nun in charge was takin no notice an givin all her attention te a big young one cryin. The nun looked back as my nun passed, an waved an smiled an said, ‘Sister Eleanor! I’ll talk to you later about that other matter.’ She had a lovely white face an sky-blue eyes an fair eyebrows, an lovely white teeth. Gawd! She’d be lovely if she was an ordinary woman, I thought te meself as I flew on te catch up wit the nun. Then passed another room wit the same glass winda, an lookin the very same as the other room.

  I threw me eye in, an little kids all lookin about four te six years old looked out at us, sittin themselves very quiet, cos a tall dark-lookin nun wit lovely brown eyes was watchin them like a hawk. She glared out at us cos of all the racket goin on an went on about her business of seein te the tea. I wouldn’t like te be in wit her, I thought te meself, rushin past wantin te catch up wit the Sister, who was gallopin ahead te break up a fight. Jaysus! They kill each other in this place. I don’t really like fightin; I prefer te have the peace an quiet.

  We went inta a room like all the others. An a big young one was pourin out the tea from a huge big kettle. ‘You sit here, darling,’ the nun said, sittin me down beside a young one wit glasses an lovely wavy roarin red hair.

  ‘Gawd! Boiled eggs again!’ moaned the redhead. ‘Why can’t we get something different? It’s not even soft! I hate this group, I do! And I hate that Sister Eleanor,’ she moaned, lookin sideways at the nun an takin me in an decidin she hated me, too.

  ‘Olivia Ryan! If Sister in the kitchen hears you speak like that again, you know what will happen!’ an the nun looked away, hidin the annoyance an the laugh on her face at the same time.

  Everyone at the table started roarin laughin. ‘Yeah! She’ll bring back in the slop bucket for the pigs and land it in front of you again on the table for calling her cooking pigs’ slop!’

  ‘Yeah, well, that Sister Eleanor one is not fair. I was the only one to get punished at breakfast, and she said nothing to that thick mopey gom Aine Keeps, even though she ran out of the laundry, too, without helping Duck Egg!’

  ‘Yeah! I know. She has her pets that one!’ a young one moaned in agreement, droppin the corners of her mouth down te her belly an givin a dirty look over te the nun. Then she went back te starin at her long skinny face an a narrow pointy nose in a broken bit a mirror leanin against the plastic cup. She leaned in fer a better look, squeezin an scratchin at pimples on her face. Then the nun shouted fer everyone te stand up an say the angelus. The bells started ringin fer everyone te pray.

  ‘The Angel of the Lord declared unto Mary,’ moaned the nun in a long breath, soundin like she was very tired. I was exhausted meself an was dyin te get a bit te eat an find where me bed was. I watched as the nun disappeared out the door, leavin the room bare without her, an me stuck here all on me own wit these wild young ones.

  A big shiny metal tray arrived carryin a load a thick-sliced buttered bread an landed on the middle table where all the older ones sat. Then the tray went aroun the room te the other tables. I counted five long tables wit about six or seven people sittin at them. One table was fer holdin the dishes fer the food, the cups an saucers an plates.

  The bread arrived at our table an everyone grabbed two, an there was a few left an people at our table tried te grab it, but the tray was whipped away an brought over te the big young ones’ table. I watched it go, hopin I might get another few slices, but no such luck. The big ones took it all, an Redhead roared over at them, ‘It’s just not fair! You big girls always grab the best of everything!’

  ‘Yes! And you’re just jealous!’ cackled the one wit the back-of-a-bus face an long stringy hair tha she thought was beautiful.

  Then the nun arrived back an said more prayers, an rushed over te me an whispered, ‘Come along with me, Martha, and we’ll get you sorted out with your clothes.’ Then she galloped outa the refectory, an I rushed after her, an a load a kids chased us up the passage all shoutin an roarin fer the nun.

  ‘You’ll need a nightdress,’ she said, fittin up a long cotton white frilly-necked gown te me neck.

  I looked down: it went te me feet.

  ‘It will keep you nice and warm,’ she laughed, seein me wonderin how I’d get aroun in this without breakin me neck.

  ‘Now! Here are two pairs of knickers and two vests. You wear one set and leave the other down to Sister Mary Innocent in the laundry on a Saturday. This is your school uniform,’ she said, fittin up a navy-blue gymslip an red jumper an white shirt an a red sash te go aroun the gymslip. I was delighted wit meself, thinkin I’ll look lovely in tha. I always wanted te wear a school uniform; all the respectable people wear them. The only thing is I won’t be able te wear them out an show them off . . . Only the gobshites livin here see them, an tha doesn’t count. Cos they’re all wearin them themselves.

  ‘Now! Come along with me and I’ll take you up to the dormitory.’

  We climbed stairs, passin landins wit corridors an rooms an younger childre runnin aroun, an went up te nearly the top. We passed a statue of Our Lady holdin the baby Jesus an went inta a room wit ten beds then carried on inta a big long room wit loads a beds like a hospital. Only they were lengthways under the big windas tha ye couldn’t see out cos they were too high up, an more beds down the middle, runnin the length a the room.

  ‘Now, darling, this is your bed,’ she said, puttin me stuff on the bed an openin a locker sittin next te it. I was down in the corner outside a door leadin inta another room, an there’s only one bed beside me, sittin in the other corner. I looked at the black hairy blankets when she pulled down the red bedspread wit white roses in the middle, an I was delighted wit the lovely white sheets an white pilla.

  ‘Now, darling, why don’t you have a wash and climb into your bed before the others come up, you must be exhausted, you poor thing,’ she said, bendin down an lookin inta me face.

  ‘Yes, Sister, I’ll do tha,’ I said, feelin happy at the thought of gettin inta me new bed an gettin a bit a sleep, cos me head was painin me an I could hardly keep me eyes open. Too much had happened all in the one day.

  ‘Look, darling,’ she whispered, headin me over te a little room wit sinks fer the childre te wash themselves. ‘This is the dressingroom, and the toilet is out on the landing. Now, darling, off you go and get yourself ready for bed,’ an I rushed outa the room, headin fer me locker te get me wash things she gave me. ‘Good girl, have a good night’s rest for yourself,’ she said, flyin out the door.

  CHAPTER 3

  Iheard noise an felt someone shakin me. I opened me eyes an the nun was lookin down at me.

  ‘Good girl! Wake up now and get yourself dressed, we have to be down in the chapel in five minutes,’ she puffed, rushin off an clappin her hands. ‘Now, girls! Please stop delaying; the priest will be up on the altar,’ she complained, lookin very worried an rushin off talkin te herself.

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nbsp; I lifted me head an looked aroun me. Loads a girls were dressin themselves under their nightdresses. An some were pullin nylons up their legs. A big girl wit long wavy hair down te her waist caught me eye an smiled. ‘Are you the new girl?’ she mouthed over te me in a whisper.

  ‘Yeah! Me name is Martha,’ I whispered, happy tha she was nice.

  ‘You were asleep when we came in last night. How are you feeling?’

  ‘Not bad,’ I whispered, lookin aroun me, just really takin in the place now; I was too tired last night.

  ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find it strange for a while, but you’ll get used to it. Now you better get dressed before Sister Eleanor gets back, she’ll only start fussing.’

  I jumped outa the bed an headed inta the dressin-room wit me wash things te get meself washed. I came rushin back out an bent down te me locker, takin out me new school uniform.

  ‘No,’ whispered the lovely girl. ‘Just put on your after-school clothes, then when we get back you make your bed and get yourself ready for school, then go down for your breakfast.’

  ‘OK,’ I said, puttin the uniform back an gettin meself dressed in me own new woolly frock. ‘Thanks fer tha, fer tellin me,’ I said, smilin at her.

  ‘No bother,’ she said, puttin on her frock over her head.

  Everyone made a stampede outa the dormitory, makin the floorboards hop up an down, the noise soundin like a gang of injuns comin te town, an tore down the stairs, makin a grab fer hats sittin in a cardboard box on the landin an stuck it on their heads still rushin, headin through a door, makin fer the convent passage wit the nun screamin in a whisper, tearin ahead a everybody. I looked at the hat, it was like the ones grannies wear when they’re polishin churches, except they put fancy pins through them. Jaysus! This is very hickey, I thought, lookin at it, then slappin it on me head an rushin te catch up wit the others.

  I got on the line an everyone moved in very quickly wit the nun standin guard at the door, her eyes flickin from us on the line pushin in, then flickin her eyes back te make sure everyone went down on their knees te the tabernacle before rushin inta the benches. I copied the others an pressed me knee on the shiny wooden floorboards an made fer a bench. Just as I got me foot over the kneeler an was creepin inta the bench, the fat freckly one, Dilly Nugent, twisted her elbows te her cronies an they all shuffled down, leavin me no room.

  Right! I said te meself. I don’t want te sit beside any a youse neither! An I crept down the chapel lookin fer a free space. I’m ragin. The bleedin cheek a tha one thinkin she can do tha te me an get away wit it! I’m goin te wrap tha smirk on the other side of her face before I’m finished in this place. I hope she stays a midget an all her hair falls out. Yeah! An she grows hair on her face instead, just like Hairy in the convent where I go fer the bread. I crept past all the other kids starin up at me an laughin behind their hands, feelin a right eejit.

  Sister Eleanor caught me eye an was red in the face over the carryin-on of them young ones, an pushed the other childre up te make room fer me. I went te move in beside her, takin a quick look down the back, an all the nuns were kneelin wit their priests’ chairs behind them, an some had their eyes closed, sittin straight up but lookin like they were still asleep. The long skinny nun lifted her head from her black holy Mass book an stared up at me, watchin me every move wit her goitre eyes hangin outa her head, an pinnin her lips together like she was still annoyed wit me cos they hadn’t asked her if I could come here. Yeah! Hope ye’re still worryin, Missus, cos I didn’t ask either, te come an stay in this bleedin madhouse. I sat down beside the nun, glad te be sittin close te her, cos if I was on me own I’d go mental. This place would put years on ye!

  I stood on the landin waitin me turn te get inta school. I wonder wha it’s goin te be like! I looked down at me new gympslip an red jumper wit the white shirt inside an the red woollen sash wrapped aroun me waist, admirin meself. I look lovely. Pity the kids in Finglas can’t see me now. They’d think I look very respectable altogether. Then I could play wit them an go te their houses! Yeah! Tha would be great. I’ve never been te any of their houses. Still, how could I do tha? Not wit the state a the ma an tha aul Jackser fella.

  I took in a big sigh thinkin about it. Hm! Nothin ever works out the way ye want it to. Still! My day will come; this is the start of it. God is good, now I have no more worries. I don’t have te rob the butter any more. No more worryin about Jackser wantin te kill me, or havin te look fer food for me ma an the childre an find the money fer tha bandy aul bastard’s Woodbines, always thinkin an lookin fer ways te him keep easy, tryin te placate him so he won’t go mad an kill everyone. I shivered in me skin thinkin about tha. Oh, thank you, God, fer lookin after me. I have a lovely warm clean bed an good food te eat. Yeah, it’s a bit spare, they don’t overfeed ye. But still an all, it’s lovely grub. So fuck tha Dilly Nugent an her fuckin gang. I can knock the life outa them wit one hand tied behind me back. Tha’s wha bandy aul Jackser says: ‘Come on! I’ll take ye’s all on one be one wit one hand tied behind me back.’ Cowardly fucker, he only says tha when he’s drunk, otherwise he’d run fer his life! Anyway, them young ones are nothin but overfed windbag culchies! I was feelin happy in meself wit no more worries, an I rushed through the door inta the school.

  I stood beside the other childre from the convent an looked aroun at the childre comin in from their own homes. They looked more normal than the convent childre, not as sulky, an I felt I could talk te them, not like some of the eejits from here, always backbitin an fightin an moanin an watchin each other.

  The nun in charge of the school was sayin the prayers when she suddenly stopped, then started sayin the prayers slowly, an leaned herself te the side te get a better look at someone in the back row. Then she blessed herself, quickly finishin the prayers, an let out a roar. ‘Dilly Nugent! Come up here this minute!’

  We all looked aroun te see wha was goin on, an the nun shouted, ‘Go to your classrooms, children,’ an everyone started te leave except me.

  ‘Come on! You’re with us in our class,’ Jane Mary wit the long white hair said, lookin at me wit a sour face an raisin her eyes te heaven like she was bein crucified at the thought a meetin someone so stupid. I followed her inta a room wit three rows a seats, an I made fer a spare place next te a young one I didn’t think was from the convent. I sat meself down an took out all me books the nun Sister Eleanor gave te me an put them in me desk. I put me new pencil sittin in the holder on the desk an waited te see wha subject they were goin te do.

  Jaysus! I don’t know much about this school business; I hope she doesn’t ask me anythin! I hardly ever set foot in these places an I know them convent kids are just waitin te have another good laugh at me. Ah, fuck them, let them laugh, I know more about some things than they do! They’ve had themselves wrapped in cotton wool most of their lives, an they’d probably get themselves lost in O’Connell Street.

  I looked up at the teacher; she was an old woman, probably in her forties be now, wit a tight perm an her hair dyed black, I could see the grey roots comin through the top of her head. An her face was very purply lookin. Me ma says tha’s a sign of a bad heart. I stared at her, an I could see she was probably nice.

  ‘Yes, dear, hand back the test copies,’ the teacher said te a young one wearin glasses wit stickin plaster holdin them together. She musta broke them, I thought, starin up at her gingery curly hair tha stood up like she got a fright. She doesn’t look like a convent girl, I thought, starin over at her, takin her in. She looks more like someone tha would follow her ma aroun the kitchen, like she wants te be minded all the time. No! Definitely not convent. She’s more normal.

  ‘Now, open your English books, girls, and start on page . . . where did we finish on Friday? Yes! Page twenty-three. Now, who is going to read?’ an she looked aroun the room an her eyes landed on me! ‘You child, you are the new convent child,’ she smiled over at me, leanin her head te hear wha I was goin te say. ‘You are . . . let me see again,’ an she made te look at
her desk.

  ‘Martha, Sister . . . I mean Miss,’ an a roar of snorts of laughin came from the other side a the room, an the gobshite convent kids were laughin their heads off, callin me, ‘Ye gom! Listen to her, she’s really thick.’

  I felt me belly tightenin an the heat runnin up te me chest. I sniffed air up through me nose, lettin it out slowly, an stared straight ahead, decidin te just ignore them. ‘Gobshites,’ I whispered te meself.

  ‘Good girl, Martha. Now would you please read for me? I would like to see where you are in your reading.’

  I took in another deep breath an read the story about the cowboy bein chased be the injun, tryin te catch up wit him te get his scalp.

  ‘That was excellent!’ she breathed down at me all smiles, an I sat down very happy wit meself an looked over at the gobshites, an they were ragin. Makin faces at me an mutterin, ‘Noticebox, looking for attention.’

  I didn’t care. I had taught meself te read wit me comics, an now it paid off. The teacher, Mrs Basin, was delighted wit me, tha’s wha matters te me.

  ‘Now, can anyone tell me why the Indian couldn’t catch the cowboy?’

  Everyone jumped up wit the answer, includin me.

  I couldn’t believe no one was gettin the right answer. An I was delighted, cos maybe I’ll get a chance te have a go. ‘Me! Me! Mrs Basin, I know the answer,’ everyone was shoutin, leppin up an down wit their hand in the air. She didn’t look in my direction, an I was worried someone might get there before me. Then finally her eyes peeled on me.

  ‘Cos the cowboy’s steed was faster than the injun’s . . . I mean Indian’s!’

  ‘Yes! Because the cowboy’s horse was faster than the Indian’s,’ she said slowly te the class. ‘You have wonderful powers of reasoning,’ she said over te me. ‘Now, children, if you read more books you would have known what steed meant.’