Ma, I'm Gettin Meself a New Mammy Read online

  Suddenly we all jumped with the sound of explosions as Joseph came flying out in his cowboy suit, shooting his caps up at the cat, shouting, ‘We can scare him outa the tree, Daddy! Bang, bang.’

  The dog tore inta the house and the cat screamed, leaping up on the branch and arching his back, showing his teeth and clawing the branch.

  ‘Help! He’s going to be killed!’ screamed the aul one, waving her stick at the cat then turning it on Joseph. ‘Stop that racket! You horrible people! I’m going to go in and call the guards this minute!’ And she turned on her stick, making for the house.

  ‘Mammy!’ shouted the aul fella. ‘Wait! Don’t leave, that will only make things worse,’ he screamed, wringing his hands and shivering over at us.

  ‘Come on!’ shouted the daddy. ‘Let’s all go inside and leave the bloody cat alone. He can make his own way down. He got up, so he can come back down the same way.’

  ‘I have the answer,’ said the grandad, dragging out a long hosepipe and shooting water up at the cat.

  ‘Stop! Stop that at once,’ screamed the aul fella, throwing his leg over the wall. ‘Mammy! Help! Poor Jasper! You’ll send him flying out of the tree!’

  ‘Dat’s the idea,’ said the grandad, trying te aim the water at the top branch, but it wasn’t far enough and rained down on us.

  ‘Aaah! We’re getting soaked,’ screamed Thelma and the mammy.

  ‘Come on! No more of dis nonsense!’ the daddy roared, waving the lot of us in the door. He put his hand on my back and grabbed hold of Thelma, while the mammy wrestled Joseph for the guns.

  ‘Put the hose away, yeh old fool,’ shouted the granny from the back door, standing in her stocking feet, glaring at the lot of us and waving her arms in disgust. ‘Did yeh ever see the like of it in yure whole life?’ she muttered te the air. ‘All dis fuss and bother over a bloody aul cat.’

  We all tramped back inta the house, with the mammy shouting at us te wipe our shoes on the mat outside the door. I went back out and shoved me feet up and down, laughing te Thelma, who was roaring her head laughing.

  ‘I could have shot him outa that tree, Daddy!’ said Joseph quietly, talking te the daddy.

  ‘Yeah! And that aul hag would have the lot of us up for murder,’ snorted the daddy, looking back over the wall te the aul fella shouting, ‘Come back! What about Jasper?’

  ‘Feck you! And yure bloody Jasper!’ snorted the daddy, slamming the back door shut as Scrapper trailed in, holding his head te the ground, still feeling dazed. ‘Come on, let’s eat!’ said the daddy, sitting down te the tea.

  ‘Brrrr, it’s brass-monkey weather out dere,’ the grandad shivered, taking a bite of his sandwich and looking down at his wet trousers.

  ‘Dere’s no fool like an old fool!’ barked the granny, throwing a dirty look over at him. ‘Take dem trousers off yeh quick, before yeh catch yure death a cold, Paidir Murphy!’

  ‘I will when I’ve finished me tea,’ he mumbled, his jaws working up and down trying te chew a mouthful of meat. His teeth kept falling out, and he lost his patience, whipping them out with a load of bread stuck te them.

  I looked away, feeling me stomach turn.

  ‘Ah, stop that aul carry-on! Either get dem teeth fitted properly or go without,’ shouted the granny, looking away in disgust.

  Everyone laughed, looking at the grandad wiping the teeth with the sleeve of his jumper. Then we heard sirens and we were wondering where the fire was. ‘It sounds very close,’ said the mammy, looking at us, listening. Then the hall doorbell rang, and rang again. Someone was keeping their finger on the bell.

  The daddy got a shock and moved slowly te the door, opening it, then seeing the lights flashing through the stained-glass door.

  ‘Jesus! What’s happening now?’ he mumbled in fright.

  ‘Go on! Open it and find out,’ said the mammy, not moving herself, wanting him te go.

  ‘We have a distress call from number eighty-three,’ said a man’s voice. ‘You have a cat stuck up your tree. They’re just passing a ladder across now and up to the tree, is that all right?’

  ‘Oh, go ahead! By all means,’ said the daddy, looking at the big fireman with the yellow hat on his head and the hatchet in his hand and the big boots with the black rubber suit. ‘Do yeh need me for anything?’ the daddy said.

  ‘No, I think we can manage, thanks for the offer,’ said the fireman, heading out te the truck, with the lights flashing and men running around, grabbing down the ladders.

  ‘Right so,’ said the daddy as we all rushed te the hall door te get a look. The woman stood outside, directing the men with the long ladders and pointing them with her stick te the back garden and giving us all a dirty look.

  We rushed back in, making for the kitchen window, with me tearing in behind the granny in her bare feet, with her toes curled up, running on her heels, forgetting about her bunions in all the excitement. Scrapper was doing circles in the air with rage, wanting te get outa the kitchen te take lumps outa whoever was at the front door, then tearing for the back door with all the excitement going on there.

  ‘Look! They’ve thrown a big light across,’ shouted the mammy, and the tree was lit up like the middle of a summer’s day! The cat was shivering up the top of the tree and showing his teeth and crying like mad. The ladder went up, and a fireman went climbing up and tried te grab hold of the cat, moving his arms out slowly, taking hold of it, just as it sprang through his closing arms, flying through the air and landed on the high back wall. It stood with its back arched, hissing, then took off flying inta the garden next door, and we could hear the firemen saying, ‘There you go, Missus. Safe and sound.’

  ‘I told yeh! I told dat aul hag next door! The bloody cat was in no danger whatsoever! Would yeh believe that? Wasting dem poor men’s time bringing dem out on a night like tonight. Oh, she’s a selfish bloody aul cow! Dere’s no mistaking dat!’ screamed the daddy, losing his head altogether, whipping down the curtain, while we laughed like hyenas.

  ‘Calm down, Daddy, you’ll give yourself a heart attack!’ laughed the mammy, looking at the daddy’s face turning purple with the rage.

  ‘And teh boot, blaming our Scrapper!’ he said, looking at the dog, who stopped headbutting the back door at the mention of his name.

  CHAPTER 18

  ‘Here we are,’ said the daddy, slowing down as we hit the big black gates left wide open for people coming back after the Christmas holidays.

  Me heart sank seeing the sight of the dark avenue, with the big old trees leaning over making me feel they were going te trap me back inside again.

  ‘Did you enjoy yourself, Martha?’ the mammy said, looking at me, her eyes turning sad.

  ‘Yeah! More than I can tell ye!’ I said, thinking happiness is grand, but it’s always followed by a worse feeling of misery when it ends. Me stomach was feeling sick at the thought of facing back inta work and having no one te talk te. Not in the way I could talk with the family. I didn’t need te say much, but when I did they all looked at me and listened, and they made me feel I was somebody who mattered. Here, the kids just ignore ye or give ye dirty looks, or keep snapping and tormenting each other. I spend me days with the nuns, getting on with me work, watching them creep past me, lost in their own world and only smiling at ye if ye do something for them. Most of the time they look haunted and hunted. Fucking Jaysus! This place would put years on ye!

  A car whirled around in front of us, the tyres skidding and making a crunching noise on the gravel, then slowed down, pulling te a stop outside the door. ‘There’s the Reverend Mother,’ smiled the mammy, looking up at the aul biddy holding open the front door. Me heart missed a beat watching her letting the young one pass through with her suitcase, smiling down at her and waving over at the people in the big black car, looking like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.

  ‘I better go in,’ I said, taking the suitcase from the daddy, not knowing what else te say te them.

  ‘You take care of yourself, pet,�
�� the mammy waved. ‘You were a pleasure to have. We’re going to miss you,’ she smiled, looking out the open window of the car.

  ‘Yeah! I’m going te miss the lot of ye’s, too,’ I said, waving at Thelma, who was looking out the window with a half smile on her face.

  ‘I’ll miss you, Martha. It’s a pity we’re not sisters,’ she said, making me want te cry.

  ‘Thanks again for having me,’ I mumbled te the daddy, keeping me head down and heading for the steps. I stopped and turned around, looking at them all waving out the car window at me, and waved back, giving them a big smile, keeping down the flood of tears wanting te erupt inside me. I turned away and headed in the front door, flicking me eyes up at the Reverend Mother, giving her a smile and rushing past her, saying, ‘Thank you, Mother.’

  ‘Yes! So did you have a nice Christmas, then?’ she asked me, waving at the people and smiling.

  ‘Yes, Mother, very nice, thank you,’ I said, heading down the passage, wanting te make for the dormitory, not in the mood te talk te anyone.

  ‘How’re ye, Long? Did you get anything nice for Christmas?’ asked Dilly Nugent, feasting her greedy eyes on me, looking down at me suitcase.

  ‘Yeah, loads a things,’ I said, flicking me eyes over her, seeing her eyes flash, hoping she’d get something offa me, or they’d rob it if ye don’t give it te them. Bleeding robbers some of them are, I thought, thinking of me blue cardigan. I’m not saying a word about that. They would laugh their heads off, silly cows.

  ‘Wait until you see what I got, girls,’ she said, hiking her suitcase up onta the bed. She held up a long knitted scarf with loads of different colours that wrapped around her neck and went down te her legs. ‘It’s a maxi scarf; it will go with the new reefer jacket my godmother bought me. Wait until you see it, girls!’

  ‘Oh, show us, and I can’t wait until you see what my godmother bought me!’ cackled Pasty-face, with the beady eyes jumping in her head, getting herself all excited over nothing.

  ‘Loretta! Come on, come over here. Look! She’s back, girls. Show us what you got.’

  ‘Hi, yeah, girls! Oh, wait until you hear all about my Christmas holiday, girls,’ gushed Loretta, throwing her suitcase on the bed, looking like the cat that got the cream. ‘We went to the Shelbourne Hotel for our dinner one night. It was my godmother’s birthday, and all the family turned up.’

  ‘Ooh, wait until you see what they bought me. I had the time of my life,’ screamed Olivia Ryan. ‘You should have seen the amount of presents under the tree for me. Here! Look at this!’ She held up a gorgeous cream sweater and a pink dressing gown with a matching nightdress the same colour and fluffy pink slippers.

  ‘Ohhh! That’s gorgeous,’ they all screeched.

  ‘No! That’s not all! Wait until you see the rest of my stuff.’

  ‘Girls! Look at mine!’ screamed Dilly Nugent.

  I had had enough. Not wanting te bother me head about what they got, I walked off, landing me suitcase on the bed and put everything folded carefully away in me locker, taking out me night things. I flew inta the dressing-room in me nightdress and brushed me teeth, wanting te get meself inta the bed and cover up me head, not wanting te think any more about being back in this place and having te get up early for Mass and start work again. That’s what’s on me mind, I thought te meself. Te hell with them and their fancy godmothers. I had me family, and they may be culchies, probably not good enough for the likes of them. But they suited me, and I’m not opening me mouth te give them ammunition te make a laugh of me. Especially if they find out about the granny’s cardigan. Definitely not!

  ‘What did you get, Long?’ Loretta shouted up te me.

  ‘Yeah! Show us what you got,’ they all said, staring up at me bed, wondering where me stuff was.

  ‘Ah, I’m not in the mood. Sorry, girls, I’m tired, I want te get te sleep.’

  ‘Aah! Long got nothing! They probably gave her a box of talcum powder if she was lucky!’ Dilly Nugent shouted, laughing at the rest of them.

  ‘Yeah! She’s a right gom! Sister Eleanor probably got her an old-age pensioner to keep her company for the Christmas,’ cackled Olivia Ryan. ‘She knows Long is a right eejit.’

  Fuck you all! I’m not rising te the bait, I thought, jumping inta me bed and ignoring them. They forgot about me as more came slamming through the door, shouting about what they got and the great time they had. So did I! If I had gone with the President of Ireland, they would have still found fault with me, and I couldn’t have had a better time than I did. So fuck them, I’m saying nothing.

  Everyone stood around Sister Eleanor all shouting at the same time. ‘Sister! Can you give me another shilling out of my holiday money you’re holding for me?’ shouted Dilly Nugent.

  ‘Stop shouting,’ said Sister Eleanor, screwing her face up at the noise.

  I stood back, quietly waiting, wearing me green coat, and not wanting te get left behind. This is the first time she let me out for a whole year since the first and last time I got te go te the Legion of Mary club in the city centre. The last time I went I got so excited at being let loose I hung out the window of the bus shouting me head off at all the passers-by. The big young ones said I made such a holy show of them, the nun wouldn’t let me out until now. So I’m staying very quiet and keeping well outa trouble.

  ‘You look a right eejit in that coat!’ muttered Dilly Nugent, swinging her head around and landing her eyes on me coat. ‘Look at the state of her, girls,’ she whispered, with her hand over her mouth so Sister Eleanor wouldn’t hear.

  ‘Fuck off, Nugent! If I looked as ugly as you, I would drown meself,’ I muttered through me teeth. ‘You look like the hunchback of Notre Dame! Fucking Quasimodo!’

  ‘Who’re you calling a hunchback?’ screamed Nugent, giving me a push.

  I landed a kick on her arse as she turned back te roar at Sister Eleanor, ‘Did you hear what she just called me, Sister Eleanor?’ Then she turned back te try and land a punch at me.

  ‘Keep yer hands te yerself!’ I roared.

  ‘Stop, the pair of you!’ screamed Sister Eleanor, landing a clatter on me shoulder and glaring at me. ‘One more word out of you, madam, and you will go straight to bed!’ she roared, pointing her finger in me face.

  Nugent shook her head at me behind the nun’s back and stuck her tongue out, crossing her eyes and laughing.

  ‘Stop it, Dilly, like a good girl,’ said Sister Eleanor, twisting her face and looking like she had eaten something sour.

  Fuck Sister Eleanor, she makes a pet of her and a fool of me. ‘Ye better tell that one te keep her hands te herself or I’ll put manners on her, Sister Eleanor. I’m warning ye,’ I snorted, feeling the heat a me rage race through me belly.

  ‘Uhhhh,’ they all screamed, laughing their heads off.

  ‘She’s going to put manners on you, Dilly, you should be shaking with the fear,’ Olivia Ryan jeered.

  ‘That’s enough! This is your last warning, Martha Long! One more word,’ she said, wagging her finger in me face, moving close enough for me te smell her breath and get the whiff of mothballs off her habit.

  I moved back, looking away from her, deciding te keep quiet, and feeling meself go cold. There’s more than one way te skin a cat! My turn will come, I thought te meself.

  ‘Now, you must be back no later than nine forty-five. If you are back any later, you will all be punished and won’t be going out to the club next week. Now remember, I will be waiting up for you, and please come up the avenue quietly. I don’t want you making noise and waking the nuns in the convent.’

  ‘No, Sister Eleanor,’ they all shouted.

  Then we were out the door and walking down the avenue. I trailed behind, keeping me distance, happy with me own company, just glad te be getting out. The bus landed us on O’Connell Street and we walked across te the Gresham Hotel, heading up te Parnell Street and turning right then left onta North Great George’s Street. We passed the old Georgian houses with railings around t
hem and steps up te a heavy door. We went down the steps te the basement, and fellas passing called out, ‘How’re ye, young ones?’

  They all looked back up and Dilly Nugent shouted, ‘How’re you, Anto? Come on, girls!’ and they all tittered and went back up the steps.

  I looked up at the two skinny goughers with the shifty look in their eyes and the sneer on their ugly mugs, with their jaws hanging open, shaking their heads and giving each other the eye. Not believing anyone would even look at them, never mind run te talk te them! I kept going down the steps. Pair of chancers, I sniffed te meself. They’re welcome te them! Fellas like that will suit them down te the ground: beat the shite outa them and won’t work in a good fit! It takes one eejit te know another.

  I pushed the door in, seeing the faces of the women all looking around at me, smiling and coming over te welcome me. ‘Hello! How are you?’ beamed an aul one with a long skirt and thick nylons like Matron Millington wears, and stone-grey hair clipped back behind her ears like a schoolgirl. I stared at the dandruff covering her black cardigan, getting a musty smell as she laid her hand on me shoulder and lowered her red face with purple veins so close te me I couldn’t see her properly; me eyes were crossing.

  I moved back, saying, ‘Thanks for having us, Sister. I couldn’t wait te get here!’ And kept moving back, pretending I was looking around the place.

  ‘Ohh!’ she gushed, coming at me again and grabbing me shoulder, pulling me inta her. ‘Oh, Sister Brigid! We have a new girl. Isn’t she wonderful?’

  ‘Ohh! Isn’t that marvellous!’ screamed Brigid. ‘You are so welcome!’ A tall skinny aul one wearing a greasy long frock with flat black shoes and a strap across that went outa fashion with the Indians back in the 1930s. Jaysus! The state of her, I thought, watching her flying over te grab me hands, saying, ‘Now! You have been sent to us by our Holy Mother, Our Lady!’ Then she blessed herself, saying, ‘Sister! It is such a blessing Our Blessed Lady has bestowed on us. She is answering our special intentions for new recruits. Sending us lovely new young girls. We must say an extra decade of the rosary to give thanks!’ Then she bent down and stared inta me face, showing me her yella teeth and a red-raw face that looked like she used a scrubbing brush on it.