Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone Read online

‘Who caused all this?’ shouted a fella in a pinstripe suit wearing a badge, as he dug out the old woman from under the boxes.

  ‘He did!’ said Bernie, pointing her finger at Four-eyes.

  ‘No! She did!’ said the animal woman, waving at me.

  ‘Do you need an ambulance?’ said the pinstripe suit, dragging the old woman to her feet.

  ‘No! I just want to get outa here!’ she roared, fixing her hat and straightening her coat as he steadied her on her feet.

  I looked over, seeing her legs still shaky, and a rage nearly choked me. ‘You bloody mutant! Never mind me! Look what you did to that poor old pensioner!’ I screamed, picking up a frozen chicken from his trolley and sending it flying at his head.

  ‘Call the police! There’s murder being committed!’ shouted the animal woman.

  ‘THAT’S IT! I’M HAVING YOU DONE FOR ASSAULT AND BATTERY!’ screamed Four-eyes.

  ‘Fuck this, Bernie!’ I said, making for the exit. ‘I only came in for me shopping, I’m never coming back here again! Where’s that manager?’ I snorted, looking around me as I flew past the coppers.

  ‘There he is! Over sorting out the riot Hitler caused,’ she said as we both looked over, seeing the three coppers trying to break up the crowd and sort out that fight.

  ‘Jesus! I was only going for my tea break when I heard you before I saw you!’ she said. ‘What happened there?’ she puffed.

  But I was gone! Heading for my car and bulleting it away, burning the rubber tyres.

  Never again! I breathed, snorting out me rage. Brand-new shopping centre my arse. There’s nothing to look at! Jaysus! The way that crowd erupted with their tearing and stampeding over each other, you would think the shops were paying everyone to take the stuff away free. Bleedin lunatics! Especially them house husbands! Fuckin wearing aprons and joining the mothers’ union. I heard one of them used the Hoover to clean out the hot ashes from the fireplace, then took off to join the mothers for their coffee morning, leaving the smouldering Hoover in the cubbyhole under the stairs. When he got back, the house was burnt to the ground. The insurance wouldn’t pay up. They didn’t believe anyone could be that stupid!

  Made it! Home sweet home, the shopping done, no parking ticket, flat tyre or a dose of road rage. You get that from the men. They’re raging! ‘The Missus’ or, worse, ‘the little woman’, has won the revolution for freedom in the battle of the sexes. Now ‘She who must be obeyed’ has grabbed the car and gone out to work, leaving ‘the little man’, the husband, to bond with the house, home, hearth and kids. Then she swapped his banger for a new, bigger, faster model. Now the few men still left driving are trying to run us off the road. The only downside is the insurance has gone up because more of us are now getting ourselves killed in these faster models. Pity I wasn’t cut out to be a wife, but I’m far too bolshy when a man starts to flex his manly muscles. No, couldn’t be doing with that. Sergei and me didn’t last five minutes. Russian men are far too raw, macho and militant for me!

  ‘You vill obey!’ he told me.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Now, which way would you like to go out the door? On yer feet or head-first through the window?’

  But we’re still pals … well, he’s around for the kids. I made sure of that. ‘Sergei, to escape me, leave the country; otherwise I will hound you down if you don’t come running when them two children shout for their father! Got that?’ I growled in me belly.

  He laughed and looked down at me, saying, ‘The size of you! But I believe, you crazy woman!’ he said, straightening himself and pushing out his barrel chest. He’s built like a Russian tank!

  Grand, so here I am back in one piece. Not just that but I didn’t get arrested for causing a riot, and the morning’s still early. ‘Oh, happy days,’ I sang to myself as I switched off the engine, feeling delighted to be home and well out of that.

  Gawd, there’s nothing like having your own little place to go home to. You can go in and shut the door with no one to bother you or even put you out. Yeah, even after all this time, I still marvel at the wonder of it. No, there’s some things you never forget – like hunger or wandering the streets with nowhere to call your own. That sure put a red-hot poker up my arse, the fear of it. I was a driven woman. Yeah, I made up for that with a vengeance, I grinned, leaning over the steering wheel, listening to the quiet. My own bit of paradise carved out of this big wide world, and it’s all mine! Me and my own … Well, me and the kids! They were the engine that got me moving. Never would my children ever have a day’s want. That’s a great encouragement for putting a fire in your belly.

  My eyes rested on a corner of the courtyard where there was a statue of a little boy standing pissing down the rocks on a fountain. That’s for the kids! Further down the rockery stood a statue of two small children, a boy and a girl. He had his arm protectively around the little girl as she dangled her hand in the running water. The fountain was a blaze of colour, with the flowers fighting to show themselves off. It was one scent getting even better than the next. The sweet pea and William looked like they were winning the battle as they burst down, trying to cover everything in their path. A big old weeping willow stood guard, sheltering it all protectively with its canopy of overhanging leaves. Its companion was a lovely big maple, next to an old cast-iron bench left sitting in the middle. This was for ease and comfort – to let you sit back and enjoy this little bit of heaven.

  I opened the car door and walked over to sit down on the bench. Ah, sure, there’s no hurry on me. I might as well enjoy myself while I can. ‘God, how lucky can you get? What more could I want?’ I moaned, closing my eyes and stretching meself for comfort, forgetting all about the shopping baking in the steaming-hot car. I sighed out happily, feeling a lovely sense of peace and contentment wash over me. ‘Oh, this is definitely the life,’ I snorted, breathing in the heavily scented air as I leant back for comfort. I could hear the rush of the water and feel the heat of the sun with the heavy scents flying up me nostrils. I’ll just rest meself here for a minute. Sure, I have all the time in the world. Great idea, Martha! Take it easy.

  I woke up feeling me face burning and squinted up to see the sun had moved. Jesus! What time is it? My head flew around trying to make out what happened. The side door was hopping, looking like someone was trying to batter it down. Then I heard the barking.

  Ah, holy Jaysus! How could I be so stupid? I leapt up, running for the boot of the car. The meat will be gone off; we’ll have no dinner! Oh, curse a Jaysus! Me butter and the ice cream for the kids is well melted by now. They’ll probably put that in their news for the teacher tomorrow. Even the milk will be sour! Well now, that’s it, Martha. There’s no one born yet that can be as stupid as you! You’re thick as two short bleedin planks! I snorted, rushing with a mound of plastic bags then trying to lift my hand to open the latch on the side door, leaving a couple of heavy bags clinging to the rest of me shaking fingers.

  As the latch went up, the door flew open, letting a hairy ball of wool come flying out. It whizzed between me feet, then leapt back to send me buckling.

  ‘Down, Minnie!’ I shouted, giving a roar at the little teddy bear flying past me. Her tiny body wriggled in ecstasy, all delighted to clap eyes on me. ‘Ahhh! Did you miss me?’ I cooed, feeling my heart melt at the sight of her.

  She whined and groaned, sang and howled, lifting the head in a tragic aria, then grabbed hold of a bag, trying to nose it along, thinking she was giving me a helping hand.

  ‘Oh! You’re such a good girl, Minnie, helping me with the shopping. Now, just wait until we get inside. Mamma has something lovely for you!’ I mewled, dropping the bags to grab hold of her ears, giving them a tickle. ‘Now, that’s your ration of passion for the day. Go on! Out and play,’ I said, opening the kitchen doors then throwing them back to let the sun sweep in, giving the place a bit of an airing.

  I lifted the last of the shopping out of the boot and hurried to put it away. Minnie stood guarding her giant sausage left over from the chil
dren’s tea last night.

  ‘Eat it, you eegit,’ I warned, seeing the usual game of the two magpies. One tortured her, running along the garden wall. He was the distraction while his mate grabbed the grub. Suddenly the magpie swooped, snatching the sausage.

  ‘Look, Minnie!’ I screeched, pointing at the sausage flying through the air.

  She looked up then tore after the bird, keeping her head down for speed. Then the eegit took a flying leap and ended flat on her head, plastered on the next level down. She lay still for a few seconds, wondering what happened, then dragged herself up to give me a mournful look.

  I stared with me mouth open. ‘Yes! Gone again! Every time! Every bleedin time you fall for that, Minnie,’ I puffed, not able to get over it. ‘You’re pure stupid, you gobshite. The bleedin grub is not for guarding, you’re supposed to eat it!’ I snorted, leaving her whining her loss, with her wanting me to get it back.

  ‘Right, that’s the last of the shopping put away,’ I muttered, slamming the fridge shut. Minnie nosed her way under the table, still moaning her loss. Her heart broke with the crying when she discovered the children’s tasty droppings were long swept up, leaving the kitchen floor squeaky clean.

  ‘That’s it!’ I said, opening the fridge and giving her the last sausage. ‘Now eat it! Don’t take it outside,’ I said, putting the plate in the sink and watching as she mewled her way contentedly, heading for her bed.

  ‘Oh, Gawd!’ I sighed, listening to the sudden peace. That dog is worse than rearing ten kids. But my two little beauties love her. I hand reared her from five weeks old on soya milk, using a baby bottle. Jaysus, the price a the stuff! It cost more to rear her than the two kids put together; they were breastfed. We were supposed to be looking for a toy poodle – something I could put in me pocket and it wouldn’t bite me, but we ended up with her. ‘Ah! I’ll take her,’ I said to the aul one who took me forty quid. ‘I don’t mind having a mongrel. Sure, I’m one meself.’

  ‘Yes, but I will have you know her parents are both show dogs. It was outrageous, shocking!’ she sniffed. ‘We were abroad, and the kennels …’

  I listened as she gasped out a sob.

  ‘They were supposed to have the highest reputation!’ she screeched, letting her eyeballs land on her cheeks with the horror of it all. ‘My poor Mildred is ruined! We had such high hopes for her.’

  ‘What is she, Missus?’ I said, looking at the hairy little worm wriggling against her chest.

  ‘Yorkshire terrier!’ she snapped. ‘The other brute was a Tibetan terrier! Well, this is the result,’ she whispered sadly, flinging the little ball with the head too big for its body into the palm of me open hand.

  Yeah, she robbed me, but the kids took one look at what was on offer and went mad. I carried her home in a Dunne’s Stores plastic bag, with her little head the size of a golf ball sticking out the top. Aul fucker wouldn’t even give me a box!

  Plus, poor Minnie looked as if she was half-blind – that, or unfortunate in the wits department. She used to follow me everywhere. But when I went left, she turned right. We took her to the vet. ‘She’s very young!’ he gasped. ‘Much too young to be separated from her mother! This is sheer neglect. How dare they take this pup away from its mother? She’s not weaned! Who sold you this pup?’ he demanded, snorting down his glasses at me like it was all my fault.

  ‘Eh! I don’t know! I rang the owner from an advert. She met me halfway down the country,’ I snorted, thinking I had been well and truly swindled.

  Ah, well! I wouldn’t part with her now; no, not for love nor money. She’s one of the family, I thought, flicking the switch to boil the kettle as I threw the eye at her, seeing her content now, trying to make short work of a sausage that’s nearly bigger than herself. But, Jaysus! She’s ferocious! She struts out there, guarding all she can survey. Nothing sets foot on her land without her say so. Even the plumber minced past her, hanging on to his ‘what-nots’.

  ‘Will she bite me, Missus?’ he shivered, as the pair of us looked down at a miniature Paddington Bear swinging out of the tail of his coat with the four legs left dangling in the air. She was trying to evict him from the house.

  ‘No! Only if ye let yer guard down! But you have been warned. The sign on the gate says “Beware of the Dog”,’ I sniffed, watching her get a better grip as the two little back paws landed on his arse, then the head flew as she tore into the job of trying to shift him. He leapt outa the house, dragging her with him.

  ‘Get tha dog outa here, Missus, or find yerself another fuckin plumber!’ he screamed, losing the rag with the fright.

  Ah, lovely! The kettle’s boiled. Oh, I’m dying for that cup of tea. I grabbed a mug hanging from the old French dresser and landed in a teabag, then poured in the boiling water just as the phone decided to ring. As I moved to pick it up, the clock hanging on the wall caught my eye. My heart leapt. Jesus, it’s nearly time to pick up the children from school and I’ve wasted half the day. I could have done a million things, but, no, I’m a dozy cow! I had to spend it giving meself sunstroke sitting on that bleedin bench. I snorted, picking up the phone, saying peevishly, ‘City morgue!’

  They hung up. I made a grab for my tea, then slowly counted, waiting. Sure enough, it rang again.

  ‘Hello!’ I sighed, listening to the heavy breathing, making sure they had the right number this time.

  ‘Martha?’

  ‘Yes, Alan! How is everything?’

  ‘Listen, Martha! I just got a phone call from Charlie, your brother!’

  ‘Yeah, I know who he is, Alan,’ I laughed. ‘Where is he? What’s he up to? When did he get back?’

  ‘Oh, don’t ask, Martha,’ he said giving a heavy sigh. ‘He got back over two months ago. I let him stay in the house with us. But, well … he’s gone again! Back on the aul drink, Martha.’

  Me heart sank, listening. ‘But did he stick it out in that place in the country? Was he off the drink, Alan?’

  ‘Oh, indeed he was. But now he’s back to his old haunts. I managed to get him into the Morning Star hostel, but they threw him out. They won’t tolerate anyone there with a drink on them.’

  ‘Huh!’ I snorted. ‘That’s the first I ever heard of them being so fussy,’ thinking, they must be looking for more upmarket down-and-outs these days.

  ‘So where is he now?’

  ‘Ah,’ Alan sighed wearily. ‘He turned up here yesterday looking for the price of a bed for the night. I gave him a couple of bob and rang the hostel. They agreed to give him one more chance, providing he comes in sober. Anyway, listen, Martha, I have to go. Charlie asked me to pass on a message. He says “that aul fella” – he wouldn’t give a name but he says you will know who he is talking about. Anyway, this “aul fella” has been taken into the city-centre hospital.’

  Hospital? I thought. Jesus! He must be really sick. That aul fella has been ailing all his life. He’s a bleedin hypochondriac! But he’s never shown his nose near a doctor in his life. He’s certainly never been in hospital. Ah, who cares, I thought. He’s nothing to do with me.

  ‘Hello! Are you there, Martha?’

  ‘Yes, I’m listening, Alan.’

  I was about to tell him I’m not interested when it hit me. Jesus! The ma! She will be up there. She’s bound to be all on her own. She won’t be able to cope. I better go up and see what’s happening, just for her sake.

  ‘Listen, Alan! When did he go in?’

  ‘I don’t know. I just got the call this morning. I said I would let you know. Other than that, Martha, I didn’t ask any questions.’

  ‘OK! Thanks for letting me know, Alan. I’ll talk to you soon. Cheers!’

  ‘Bye, Martha. I’ll be in touch.’

  I put the phone down slowly, taking this in, thinking about him. JACKSER! So! In hospital, eh? Well, well, well. What goes around comes around, Jackser, my boy! My old taskmaster, my nightmare to end all nightmares. My hound of hell who has chased me down all the days of my life and the long dark nights of my
silent screams as I fled him, trying to outrun the terror haunting my nightmare dreams. ‘Now it is your turn,’ I muttered slowly, feeling my time has come. Yes, I have waited a long time to see you on your knees, Jackser, you evil bastard! I want to be there to see the terror in your eyes! To watch as you take your last glimpse of a world you helped to turn into a never-ending nightmare of pure evil. Yes! I want to see the devil on horseback and watch you ride to hell.

  I better get moving. I’ll get the dinner on now, then go and collect the children from school and give them their dinner, then get them settled down with their homework. But first I better try to contact their father. He can come here and take over after that, then I can high tail it out of the house. I’ll go up to the hospital and find out for myself what’s happening. OK, that’s settled. No, on second thoughts it would be better to organise the children in bed. So, will I leave it until the morning, then? I thought about that. Yeah, that is a better idea. OK, that’s finally settled. I will wait until tomorrow morning before I go to the hospital.

  2

  I parked the car and headed up the steps of the old city-centre hospital. Jesus! Many’s the time long ago when I’ve sneaked in here, looking for a spare bed for the night. Now, here I am again. Only this time I’m now where I always wanted to be, leading my own life with nothing and nobody to tell me what to do. Right, Jackser, it looks like your day of reckoning has come. You are now the one at the mercy of the world and his wife. So there is a God in heaven! Oh, yes, the wheel turns full circle, Jackser, me boyo! You bandy little no-good whoremaster of a black-hearted fucking godforsaken psychopath! This should be nice, I thought, grinning to meself at the idea of Jackser shivering in the bed. Ha! He’s going to be afraid of his life. Hospitals scare the shite outa him.

  I rushed to the hall entrance, pulling the heavy door open, then stood looking at the porter behind his desk. Ask him what ward Jackser’s in? No, forget him. I know this place like the back of me hand, I thought, yanking open the heavy door leading down the corridors to the wards, deciding I would relish this moment by taking it easy. I’ll just ramble around the hospital, looking in the men’s part, then give myself a lovely surprise when I spot the little weasel. Hopefully he’ll be lying all huddled up in his bed of pain. Well, he better have some pain! I’m demanding it! I’ll oblige him myself if I don’t see enough suffering. Jesus, the mafia are so right: vengeance is a dish best served cold. Gawd, you’re a psycho, Martha! Well, I learned from the best. Nobody could outdo Jackser!