Ma, I've Got Meself Locked Up in the Mad House Read online

  I leaned over to take the bowl with the Parmesan cheese. ‘Anyone want more?’ I said, spooning the cheese onto the sauce.

  ‘Yes, please!’ Camille said, reaching for the cheese at the same time Sarah reached for the wine bottle, knocking the bloody thing over.

  ‘Oops! Less for us,’ she laughed, rescuing the bottle. But it was too late for my linen tablecloth.

  She saw me staring at it and laughed. ‘Mummy is going to start flapping now over her tablecloth. You always were terrible for fussing.’

  ‘True,’ I said, trying to ignore the red bloodstain oozing its way around me linen tablecloth. I grabbed that from Sister Eleanor’s, just before they knocked down the old convent. I stared up mournfully at the two of them, seeing them staring back in shock at me. Camille had a forkful of grub stuck halfway to her mouth, with it still wide open, waiting to catch it. Sarah was staring at me with a grin on her face but a worried look in her eyes.

  ‘Nooo!’ I said. ‘Forget it! Look at it! It’s only a bloody tablecloth! A lovely snow-white, the very best old linen the nuns could get their hands on,’ I breathed out mournfully, still staring at it. They stared at me as we all sat listening to my sorrow hanging heavy in the silence. Then they roared out laughing.

  Sarah came flying around to the back of me chair, wrapping her arms around me, suffocating me in a hug. ‘Aww! Poor Mummy! Listen! It will be perfect again. As soon as we are finished eating, we can soak it in cold water and salt. Don’t worry! Anyway! Dad has some lovely stuff belonging to Mona’s grandmother. We can liberate that. Or I will!’ she laughed, cackling like a witch.

  ‘Don’t you dare, Sarah! I don’t want that woman putting out a contract on me with the Mafia!’ I said, thinking of her father’s wife. We spoke on the phone one day and she complained about my daughter, saying Sarah was having some sort of brainstorming, with her partying every night of the week. I clucked, agreeing with every word, then put down the phone, thinking, Oh! There is a God in his heaven after all. Sarah is giving them hell! Ha!

  ‘Ah! Enough! Never mind any more talk of tablecloths,’ I said, cheering up. ‘Here’s to the future, girls. Health and happiness.’ I clinked their glasses.

  ‘And wealth!’ Sarah shouted.

  ‘So, what are you doing with yourself, Camille?’

  ‘Oh, I’m at college.’

  ‘Really! What are you doing?’

  ‘Well, I’ve just started this year. Classes haven’t really got going yet. But I’m doing economics and politics.’

  ‘Oh, that’s wonderful, isn’t it, Sarah?’

  Sarah nodded, then dropped her eyes, studying her plate. Me heart dropped seeing her looking miserable at the thought again of having to spend another year at school preparing for A levels.

  I asked Camille what she might do after college.

  ‘I don’t know really, probably something in the bank,’ then she tucked in to her plate again.

  ‘Sarah will be going to college next year. Won’t you, darling?’

  ‘Of course,’ Sarah said, flicking her hair back, giving me a watery smile.

  I could see how it pained her, not being able to start college with all her old childhood friends. Now she was starting a completely new life. Oh, well! It’s what she wants. Something new, a bit of adventure. A challenge. And, more importantly, escaping my clutches! I had always put the brakes on, letting her go only so far.

  22

  * * *

  ‘Right, girls!’ I said, pushing back the chair to stand up and grab the empty dishes. ‘Anyone for dessert? Listen! That’s not a question! Don’t anyone even dare refuse my incredible offerings of banana fritter with chocolate, golden syrup and stone-cold ice cream!’ I said, throwing me eye at the pair of them, then watching as they bounced up to take the dishes off me.

  ‘Are you mad?’ Sarah screamed, rushing out the door ahead of me, hanging on to the empty plates. ‘That’s all I’ve been thinking about since I sat on that plane,’ she laughed, slamming down the plates in the sink, nearly breaking the lot of them.

  ‘I’ll help!’ she said, flying to turn on the cooker. ‘Oh, I’m starved,’ she moaned, opening the fridge to take out the batter.

  ‘Starved! But you’ve just shovelled down half a big pot of sauce and most of the garlic bread!’

  ‘Yeah, Mummy! Daddy complains he will need to get a mortgage just to feed me!’ she laughed.

  ‘Ohh! You don’t need to remind me!’ I said. ‘Jesus, Sarah! You used to go round telling people I starved you!’ I said, thinking of her excuse when she was only a skinny little scrap of a thing. Four years old you were, Sarah, when you told the Simmons, that Christmas we spent with them. You ate all around you at the Christmas dinner. Everyone sat gaping at you. Then you had the cheek to say – when they muttered, “Goodness! You have such an appetite for such a little girl!” – “Yeah,” you lisped, “and Mummy doesn’t feed me!” you snorted, turning in my direction to give me a dirty look! Remember?’ I shouted, still not able to get over the stuff she used to come out with.

  ‘Oh, yeah!’ she screamed, laughing like a hyena.

  ‘Go on! Get out! Talk to Camille!’

  ‘Is someone taking my name in vain?’ Camille giggled, coming in the door with the tray stacked with more dirty dishes.

  ‘We’ll wash up,’ Sarah muttered to Camille, getting in me way as she scraped the plates, trying to get a bit of order.

  ‘No! We can’t swing a cat in here! Leave it, girls. You two go on inside. Catch up on your news. I want to cook the dessert. Then we can wash up,’ I said to their backs as they grabbed each other, trying to drag themselves out the door, slamming it shut behind them.

  ‘Hurry, Mummy! I can’t wait to get my teeth into that!’ Sarah shouted before banging the dining-room door. The house rattled, and the door nearly came off its hinges.

  ‘Jesus Christ! The noise,’ I said, feeling the vibrations. They are worse than kids!

  ‘Anyone want more dessert?’ I said, barely able to move with the amount of grub we polished off. ‘There’s two more fritters left in the kitchen,’ I said, looking hopefully at the two red faces staring woefully back at me.

  ‘Oh, God, no!’ Sarah moaned, turning her head away from the table.

  ‘No! No, thanks,’ Camille said, rubbing her belly and laughing, then standing herself up slowly. ‘That was the best meal I’ve had in ages,’ she smiled, coming over to give me a hug. ‘I have to go, sorry! It’s getting late,’ she said, looking over at the mantle clock bonging away on the mantelpiece.

  ‘Oh! All right then, Camille. It’s a pity you can’t stay longer. Sarah would love to curl up and talk with you, wouldn’t you, Sarah?’ I said, seeing a look pass between them.

  ‘I’d better go!’ Camille suddenly said. ‘Bye, Sarah!’ and they kissed quickly and muttered something to each other. Then Camille was gone.

  ‘Oh! That was a bit of a let-down. I thought she would stay a bit longer, and you could have a great natter,’ I said, heading in to the kitchen.

  ‘No, she has things to do,’ Sarah said, sipping her wine and looking miles away.

  ‘Right! Do you want any more dessert, Sarah?’

  ‘No, thanks, Mummy,’ she groaned, collapsing her head on the tablecloth.

  ‘OK,’ I said, wearily clearing away the dishes from the table and taking them into the kitchen. I stacked them on the draining board ready to start washing up. ‘Sarah! Bring in the rest of the stuff off the table.’

  She sauntered in with a basket of bread in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. ‘Where would you like this?’ she asked, holding the basket in mid air.

  I looked at her, seeing a change in her mood now that Camille had left. It’s getting her down. The thought of all she has left behind. She looks tired.

  Ah, to hell with them, I suddenly thought. ‘Leave the dishes for a minute, Sarah. Let’s go and have a cup of tea.’ Then I laughed. ‘You can finish off the wine. There’s still some left in the bottle. I’m
gasping for a cigarette. Where did I leave my bag?’

  ‘Dunno. Probably in the hall,’ Sarah muttered, pouring out what was left in the bottle.

  I was suddenly lifted, feeling we can relax now. There’s no pressure. It’s probably just as well Camille has gone. We can sit down quietly by the fire and talk.

  I brought in a mug of tea and sat down on the couch, lighting up the cigarette. Sarah was sitting at the table drinking her wine, but she was still lost in her own thoughts. She didn’t seem to notice I was there.

  ‘Sarah!’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, barely moving, and listlessly staring out the window.

  It was dark now, and I thought maybe I should draw the curtains, keep out the damp. ‘Sarah! Come and sit down beside me,’ I said, patting the couch beside me. ‘There’s something I want to tell you.’

  ‘What? What do you want to tell me?’ she said, turning around to look at me.

  ‘Do you know Harry? He’s your uncle, my brother.’

  ‘Yeah. Which one is he? The tall one, always grinning?’

  ‘Yes!’ I said, happy she remembers him, and seeing the picture of him laughing, happy, always in good humour, when he had better days, with his wife and family around him. A terrible sense of loss and sadness washed over me, and I suddenly felt like crying. Tears swam into my eyes, and I lowered my head, staring at my lap. I held back the tears. I don’t think this is the right time for me to let go.

  ‘Well, he died, Sarah,’ I said, lifting my head and looking over at her. ‘We buried him on Friday. That’s actually why I’m wearing black,’ I said, looking down at my clothes. ‘It’s as a mark of respect for him,’ I finished, wanting her to know he was special.

  She didn’t respond.

  ‘He committed suicide,’ I said, feeling his loss all come rushing back at me. I stared at the carpet, wondering what the ma was doing and how she was feeling. ‘So!’ I said, continuing. ‘Isn’t it terrible? He’s gone now. Buried two days and he was so young.’

  ‘Oh, Mummy!’ she said, landing down her glass and rushing over to sit down beside me. ‘What happened? But surely he was so young!’ she said, letting her huge big blue eyes hop out of her head. ‘Suicide, you said?’

  ‘Yes, he killed himself, Sarah,’ I said, seeing her face crease into a collapse, not able to take it in. ‘So, that’s the whole story,’ I said, lighting up another cigarette and moving a bit away to look at her face.

  She sat staring at the floor, lost in what I had just told her, shaking her head and blinking slowly, thinking of the horror and the picture of everyone at near collapse. ‘I’m so sorry, Mummy. That is unbelievably tragic! But,’ she said, slowly shaking her head and thinking, making a decision, ‘I am . . . I’m not one bit surprised with that family. How could they be anything else with the parents they have?’ she snorted, looking away and staring at the wall.

  ‘Yeah, I know, Sarah,’ I said, shaking me head, thinking it was always bound to be coming. There was no stopping it. ‘But you didn’t really get to know them very well,’ I said, thinking how I always tried to protect her from my roots. ‘I didn’t take you there very often,’ I said, looking at her, ‘because I didn’t want to expose you to that kind of life. Anyway, you certainly didn’t like the ma,’ I laughed. ‘You even hated going near that area. But he was your uncle, and Sally is your grandmother.’

  ‘No, Mummy! She is not! I understand what you mean by blood, but Nanny is my grandmother,’ she said quietly, looking at me.

  ‘Yeah, but still and all, blood is thicker then water, and without Sally we wouldn’t be here.’

  She went quiet, staring at me. A look of contempt passed through her eyes, then disappeared as she stared at the floor.

  I stared at her, reading that look. I could feel myself getting smaller, shrinking inside myself. I’m not able to change anything. It doesn’t matter how far I’ve come or what I have achieved. She is always going to have that shame about who I am and where I come from. If only she knew the real truth!

  I sat staring out into the darkness, wondering if Sarah and I will ever be truly happy again. I’m feeling completely drained. Parent-and-young-adult relationships are so complicated, I thought. It’s hard not to see her as your little girl. Yeah, well, she’s not! I thought sadly. They grow up!

  ‘Maybe we should go to bed,’ I said, getting up and moving towards the kitchen. I stood looking at the dishes sitting on the draining board, waiting to be washed. Oh, I’m not in the mood to start washing up, I thought, feeling tired and depressed. ‘No!’ I said suddenly, shouting in to her. ‘Let’s do something together! We could watch . . .’

  Sarah suddenly stood up, walking in behind me. ‘You sit down, Mummy. You have done enough. I will do the dishes now. Then I have to go later, Mummy. I’m going to the theatre with Camille and her mother.’

  My head saw sparks with the annoyance. ‘Ah, Sarah! I was hoping we could sit down together and maybe watch an old film. Remember you used to love that? We would sit together and watch chillers. You loved that, darling. Please! You’ve just arrived.’

  ‘No! I promised, Mummy! I’m going,’ she said firmly. ‘It’s all arranged.’

  ‘But when? Camille and HER MOTHER!’

  ‘Yes, Mummy! Please don’t start a row. I want us to have a good time together. Come on! I’ll get the washing up done. I’m worried about you, Mummy. You look tired. Anyway, I think you should go to bed, get an early night. Then tomorrow we can do something together. OK?’ she said, putting her arms around me, trying to make the peace.

  ‘Yeah! You are right, love,’ I said, squeezing her back in a tight hug.

  ‘Oh! By the way, Mummy,’ she said, going a bit quiet as she landed her face on me with a guilty look in her eyes, trying to think of the best way of telling me something.

  Me heart stopped, giving me a jolt. I could sense something I wouldn’t like was going to come out.

  ‘Eh, I told Nanny and Grandad I was going to stay with them for a couple of nights.’

  ‘When?’ I said, feeling everything was going down the swanny!

  ‘Tomorrow evening. Grandad is coming to collect me.’

  ‘Oh, no, he is not! You can spend your last night with them, Sarah!’ I snorted, feeling a rage coming over me at the thought I was not going to get much time with her.

  ‘Mummy! I promised them. Anyway, they are my grandparents. I need to see them. I haven’t seen them for ages! We will still have time together,’ she said, trying to put her arm around me.

  ‘When?’ I suddenly shouted. ‘How long will we have? Let me see,’ I snorted, feeling me heart flying with the rage. ‘Not tonight! You’re going out! Not the next two nights! OK! So we will have a few days together, I suppose.’

  ‘Eh, actually, I promised to stay a night or two over with my cousins. See Daddy’s side of the family,’ she said, letting it all out in a rush.

  ‘Right, Sarah! Fuck off! Just fuck off! Don’t bother about me! I’ve managed very well, thank you, without you for the last two years!’ I snorted, going mad with the rage, then feeling cold. Thinking, the bloody selfishness of her!

  ‘Look, stop,’ she said, making to pull my hands down by my sides to look at me, trying to placate me.

  Without warning, and not even realising what had happened, I suddenly pushed her, sending her flying into the kitchen press, saying, ‘Take your hands off me!’ Then the shock hit me. ‘Oh! I am so sorry!’

  She was gone, dropping the tea towel, making for the hall.

  ‘Sarah!’ I said, feeling as if the world had come crashing down on me. ‘Please! I didn’t realise! I wouldn’t hurt you for the world!’ I said, hearing me voice fade away as I watched her put on her coat and reach down to pick up her bag.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mummy. This is no good. Not for either of us! I have my life now. You won’t accept that. You still think of me as a child. That’s why Daddy and I get on so well. He trusts me and lets me have my freedom. It’s better I leave. We can’t get along
with each other. Not since I’ve grown up, anyway! You have your ideas; I have mine.’ Then she suddenly bent down and kissed my cheek, then whipped open the front door and flew out.

  I stood staring, seeing her rush down the garden path, out the gate and vanish behind the big tree overhanging the front wall. Then she was gone.

  I stared. Seeing what was happening in slow motion. But I couldn’t take it in. I couldn’t move. Me body wouldn’t get going. I couldn’t believe this was really happening. Yet a little voice inside me was saying, Yeah! You did know. You sensed she was not really with you. One false move and it would blow up! Yeah! I know now I did. I certainly had felt a sense of knowing, somehow, this was coming. There was that barrier up between us.

  Then it hit me. I went tearing out through the gate, screaming, ‘Sarah! Sarah! Come back! For God’s sake! We can’t do this! Where the hell is she?’ Me eyes tore up and down the road, then back down the hill again, staring into the dark night. Gone! Vanished! She’s gone! Me heart slammed in me chest, then sank like a bomb down into me belly with the fright and shock. No! For the luv a Jesus! This can’t be happening!

  I flew down the hill, stopping at the corner, flying me eyes down the road. No! No sign of her! She didn’t go that way!

  I stared for a long time, standing in the cold and the dark, not caring I was turning icy cold. I didn’t want to go back to the house, knowing it would be the end. I would have to face the emptiness, knowing I had brought it all on myself! Oh, no! I couldn’t let go! I had to keep going until I destroyed everything. So! That’s that. It was so lovely having her here with me, close to me.

  I could see again the light she brought with her, feel the warmth of her body as she wrapped her arms around me. I could see the cheerful warm dining room with the roaring-red fire, and the white tablecloth with the red candles, flickering their flame against the window, keeping out the dark night. I could hear her laughter and even smell the lovely food.