Ma, I'm Gettin Meself a New Mammy Read online

  ‘Now!’ she was saying. I shook me head te get meself outa the daze.

  ‘Yes, Sister!’ I said, blinking at her.

  ‘I would like to bring you back a present from my holidays. What would you like?’

  ‘A present! For me! You are going te bring me back a present?’

  ‘Yes, yes!’ she said, pleased I was delighted.

  Gawd! I couldn’t think! I wanted loads a things, but she said only pick one thing. Right! Me mind was made up. ‘Eh, Sister, I would love a watch!’

  ‘A WATCH!’ Her mouth fell open. ‘Good gracious, no! I was thinking something smaller! A watch would be frightfully expensive!’

  ‘Oh! All right! Sorry, Sister. I wasn’t really thinking! Bring me whatever you like to pick yourself.’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, letting out her breath, ‘I shall do that,’ shaking her head and deciding that would be safer!

  You gobshite Martha! A watch would have cost pounds! Still, it was a nice try! I wonder what she’ll bring me back? I thought te meself, as I humped the dryer-upper down on the polish and whacked it around the floor, rubbing the hell outa it. I was dying te get started on that new electric polisher the Reverend Mother bought me. It’s supposed te shine the floor, but it keeps breaking down, and now it’s arrived back from the factory. I could hear the Reverend Mother giving out hell te them on the phone the last time it broke down. ‘Now! Either it will do the job it was intended for, or we shall be asking for our money back forthwith!’ Then she slammed down the phone on them.

  Matron Mona came te inspect it when it first arrived. And the Reverend Mother was demonstrating it te us, and she wouldn’t let me have a go. She nearly polished the whole floor herself. ‘You see!’ she kept saying, ‘There’s no work involved at all!’ her eyes spinning with the machine as she sailed around with it, smiling and keeping up a running commentary of the joys of modern machinery.

  ‘Modern machinery, me eye!’ muttered Matron Mona, waving her duster at the air and taking off on her high-heeled black boots, muttering, ‘I’ve no time for new fangled things meself, ye can keep them.’

  Finished! Now for me polisher. Here goes! I put in the plug carefully, not wanting te get blown up like the last time. Jaysus! I was nearly blown te kingdom come! As soon as I went near the socket, sparks flew, an there was an awful explosion. They picked me up off the floor, dazed, not knowing what happened or what day it was! Matron Millington said it was because I had wet hands, and I must have stuck me finger in the socket not looking at what I was doing! I shivered in meself thinking about it.

  Right! Ready for take-off. I pressed the little red button and the machine purred inta life, and I pressed the lever, letting the handle fall down, and we’re off. It slid around the room with the greatest of ease, and me just having te follow and see the shine appear as if by magic! This is great! Better still! I grabbed two dusters, putting them under me shoes, and stood back, sending the machine flying and me flying after it, holding on.

  ‘Martha Long! What are you doing with the Reverend Mother’s new machine?’ I looked around, getting an awful fright with the voice coming outa nowhere! ‘Oh, Sister Benedict, I didn’t see you coming.’

  ‘Evidently you didn’t! Now stop your capering around this minute and get into my chapel and bring that new machine with you and polish my floors! Come on! Get a hurry on yourself!’

  ‘Right, Sister, I’m coming up behind you!’ I said, switching it off and grabbing up the wires.

  CHAPTER 11

  Isat reading Great Expectations, ignoring the noise around me and the eejits on the sofa trying te kill each other. I wish it was The Virginian night on the television, then they could all go down te the television room and watch it, and I could sit and read me book in peace and quiet. I don’t watch that. I prefer te read a book than watch television.

  I took in a deep breath, snorting out me annoyance through me nose, looking over at the three ratbags making mincemeat outa each other. I could see Karen Bingley lying on her back while two big gobshites sat on top of her, one holding her down and pinning her arms by her sides, while the other one held her nose and mouth, covering her face, blocking off her breathing. Bingley’s face was turning blue, and she was desperately struggling, trying te kick her legs and bucking her back. The two fools were laughing too hard, getting carried away with each other and their enjoyment, te notice Bingley’s terror.

  I stared for about three seconds, seeing her face turn a darker shade of blue, then leapt up, dragging Ashtray-face and Nugent off her, sending them flying. Bingley tried te haul herself up, not able te get a breath.

  ‘She’s trying te breathe!’ I screamed at them, watching as they drunkenly staggered back te have another go at Bingley. I dragged Bingley te her feet, and she landed out her foot sending Nugent flying, and the other one wiped the sickly smile off her face, sobering herself up.

  ‘You bloody bitches,’ Bingley roared, the colour now leaving her face.

  She’s turning very pale, I thought, staring at her te make sure she was all right. I looked from her te the other two watching her, thinking it was very funny, hiccupping and staggering around like they really were drunk. Jaysus! This place is doing me head in; those bitches are stark staring raving mad.

  I was about te take off when I heard Sister Eleanor coming in the door, saying, ‘Where is she? Have any of you seen Martha Long?’

  Uh oh! Sounds like trouble!

  ‘Yes, Sister, I’m coming. What is it?’

  ‘Martha, darling,’ she said, taking me arm and leading me out the door, whispering and smiling. ‘Do you know who is up in the parlour? Waiting for you . . .’ she hinted, as I stared at her, trying te figure out what she was talking about.

  ‘Your mammy and, eh, Jackser!’

  I stared, me heart in me mouth, not believing what I was hearing.

  ‘Run up to the parlour quickly, they are in the small parlour.’

  Me heart was beating like a sledgehammer. The ma! And fuck-face Jackser! What do they want? They haven’t come here for the good of their health, that’s for sure! Nor te enquire after mine! Right! I took in a deep breath, slowing down me breathing, and straightened me shoulders, heading up te the parlour, prepared for whatever they’re up te. There’s nothing much they can do te me now. I’m outa their control, come hell or high water, I can look after meself, me days of being pushed around are over! Right! No one can tell me what te do! No!

  I felt meself beginning te shake. Jaysus! I don’t want te see them. I have a bad feeling they’re up te no good!

  Yeah! OK! Ye know that. I better go up and face them. There’s no getting outa this.

  I pushed open the door, and the two of them were standing by the window.

  ‘How’re ye, Martha?’ the ma said smiling. I stared at her, seeing the big belly and her thin grey face, her cheekbones sticking out from lack of nourishment. She looked smaller. And the buttons on her tweed coat wouldn’t close. Only the two top buttons. Her ankles were swollen and she has varicose veins sticking out. Oh, Ma! I wanted te cry looking at her. She kept looking at me and smiling, and took a little cough and chewed the inside of her lip, and made a little mewling sound te Jackser, looking up at him, saying, ‘She got big! Ha, ha. Doesn’t she look lovely?’

  ‘Yeah, ye got big enough all right!’ Jackser muttered, flicking his eyes over me and turning his head away, feeling suddenly shy. ‘We have a present for ye,’ he said, whipping his head te the ma. ‘Give it te the young one, Missus! Fer the love a Jaysus! Will ye wake yerself up outa tha!’ he roared at me ma, getting annoyed with her because she couldn’t read his thoughts.

  ‘Yeah!’ me ma said, smiling, taking out a brown little paper bag and looking inside, carefully taking out a watch. ‘Here! He bought tha in the pawn office fer ye!’

  I hesitated, looking in shock. A watch! They never bought me a present, not for as long as I’ve known that Jackser fella. Jaysus! That must have cost them at least two quid in the pawn office! They’re
so stupid with money. They could have spent it on the children, or even on the ma herself. That coat looks like it’s seen better days: the pocket is ripped at the side, and the hem is hanging down in different lengths. Someone took it up and didn’t do a good job, I thought, eyeing it. No wonder they dumped it; now the ma’s wearing it.

  ‘Come on! Here! Take it,’ me ma said. ‘Lookit! It’s lovely.’

  I took the watch, looking at the little face with the hands saying twenty-five past seven, and examined the silver bracelet. I put it on me arm, wanting te please her.

  ‘It looks lovely on ye,’ me ma said, admiring me arm held out for her.

  I always wanted a watch, but not this way, from him! And at the expense of the children.

  ‘Listen!’ Jackser said, dropping his head and shutting his eyes tight and rubbing his hands together, like he was trying te get a bit a heat inta them. ‘Now,’ he said, straightening himself and getting down te business. ‘Yer mammy here,’ and he waved his arm at her, pointing his finger like he had a big announcement te make, ‘is goin inta the hospital te have a new babby. An she needs ye at home te look after the childre an take care a the house!’

  I felt meself going very cold, then heat rising in me chest and settling down in me belly like a red-hot fire! I stared at him, keeping me face still, not moving a muscle. He stared at me with his mouth in an o shape like he was turned te stone, his eyes staring outa his head, wondering why I wasn’t jumping inta the air, shouting, ‘Right, Jackser! I’ll get workin on it right away an see about gettin meself outa this place!’

  ‘Well! Did ye hear wha I just fuckin said te ye?’ he roared, coming back te life, an astonished at me lack of interest.

  ‘Of course I heard ye, Jackser,’ I said quietly, not wanting te upset him, because he would only take it out on the ma and blame her, because I’m her bastard!

  ‘She’s already lost one, ye know! Right after she had the last one!’

  Last one! I thought. Oh, I wasn’t around for that, thank God! Oh hell! The poor ma can’t look after herself. I stared at her, thinking she’s me ma! My mother! But it doesn’t feel like that; it never did! I was always her mother . . . looking out for her, minding her, telling her what te do, making decisions for her. God, Ma! I feel very sorry for ye. God knows you are my mother, you had me . . . But no! Ye’re on yer own! I’m not looking back; it’s my turn now te make something of meself.

  ‘Ma, I have te go.’

  ‘Wait! Wha did ye think about wha he said?’ she asked me, her eyes staring inta mine, her mouth in a half nervous smile, afraid te breathe.

  ‘I don’t think they will let me go, Ma. I’m in here until I’m sixteen,’ I said, feeling me heart break looking inta her worn-out poor face. But I can’t help her any more. I gave her enough!

  She pulled her head back, looking over at him and chewing her lip, her face falling with disappointment, the hope going outa her eyes.

  ‘Well! Tha’s where ye’re wrong!’ Jackser announced, waving his arm at me like he had a card hidden up his sleeve and now he was pulling it out. ‘Because I have already had a word wit tha Reverend Mother one. An she says she is goin te put it under consideration. So there ye are! Ye’re comin outa here! You mark my words! I’d say ye should be out be the next week, if not sooner.’

  I looked at me ma, shocked at even the mention the Reverend Mother would consider letting me back te them. The ma lifted her head, knowing I was looking in her direction, but dropped it again, searching the floor for an answer te her disappointment, knowing even if the Reverend Mother did let me out, I would take off. She knows I always wanted te get away from him; I was just biding me time, waiting, even as a young child. Yeah! From the first moment I clapped eyes on him I didn’t like him. Yeah, Ma! You know me better, I thought, seeing the bond we had – even if it never did me any good. But I came from you, Ma, I can never take that away from you. You gave me life.

  I moved me head, turning for the door, feeling the weight of the world on me shoulders. I never could refuse me ma anything! Now for the first time in me life I’m doing just that. When what I really wanted te do was te turn around and cry me heart out because she looks so lost and helpless, and wrap her in me arms and tell her it will be all right, I’ll take care of her. Te do with her what I always wanted from Sister Eleanor: someone te mother me.

  ‘I’m sorry, Ma. I’m going.’

  I turned back, slipping the watch off me arm and slipped it inta her pocket, whispering, ‘Take it te the pawn, Ma,’ while Jackser looked out the window with a scheming look in his face, his eyes narrowing and his jaw working up and down, thinking. No! He’s not getting the message yet. He’s so fucking sure of himself, he thinks he’s still dealing with a helpless child and he only has te look at me and I’ll go running te do his bidding.

  Fuck you, Jackser! Ye mangy little bandy midget. You would be afraid of me if ye didn’t have me ma and the kids te use as blackmail. I’d have ye shitting in yer trousers, ye little coward. It really is all over.

  I shook me head, barely moving it, pleading me sorrow silently inta the ma’s eyes, telling her no! She has seen the last of me. Then moved quickly, whipping the door open, saying, ‘I’ll get inta trouble, Jackser! Wait until we see what the Reverend Mother says.’ And I shut the door quickly and ran for the Reverend Mother. No! Wait until they are gone!

  I went quickly down te me little waiting room, sitting meself down, feeling me heart in me belly. Jesus! What will happen now? Will the Reverend Mother force me te go back te them? She can! But I’ll take meself off te England. I won’t set foot in Jackser’s house again. Thank God I have a bit of savings, five shillings a week is not much, but it must have amounted te a few pounds by now.

  Right! I better make sure Sister Eleanor doesn’t hand over me money te him. That should get me the boat ticket one way. I’ll go te London, Euston Station, and look for work around there straight off the train. I can give a false address, find out an address when I get there! Otherwise I won’t be taken on in a job homeless. Now, I haven’t much stuff, anyway. I don’t want te be dragging a heavy suitcase around the place. I would really stand out then. I wonder if there’s a shopping bag hanging around the convent. That might be better than a bloody suitcase.

  Right! First things first. Find out which way the wind is blowing. See what that nun has in her mind. Good! That’s settled. I’m fifteen years old and definitely old enough te take care of meself. No fear in that!

  I could hear voices, and the bandy bastard’s voice was rising. I crept out onta the chapel passage te listen. ‘Yes! Yes! I understand,’ the nun’s voice was saying.

  ‘Well! I’ll leave it te you, Sister! It’s in your hands.’

  ‘Yes! Goodbye now!’

  Then I heard the front door slamming. I took in a deep breath and straightened my shoulders, taking off te catch the Reverend Mother.

  ‘Oh, there you are,’ she said smiling. ‘I wondered where you got to!’

  ‘Yes, Mother,’ was all I said, and waited for her te say something.

  ‘So! Did you have a good visit?’ she asked, smiling, jerking her chin and throwing her veil back, her milk-bottle glasses reflecting the light; I was seeing double her eyes. ‘Did they tell you they want you to go home?’

  ‘Yes, Mother.’

  ‘And? What do you think about that?’

  ‘I am not going back te them, Mother.’

  ‘But your mother needs you!’

  I said nothing, and she stood there staring at me, trying te figure me out.

  ‘I think we will send you home now. You can be a great help to your poor mother. She has a lot on her plate, you know,’ she said, looking at me with a pained face.

  ‘Yeah, but I’m supposed te be here until I’m sixteen. That was the judge’s ruling,’ I said, getting very annoyed and letting the gloves come off. This fucker didn’t like me from the word go! And now I know I’m right. She can’t force me out until I’m sixteen, then I can walk out the gate under
me own steam and tell them all te go and fuck themselves! ‘No, Mother, I’m not going back te them. I will stay here until I’m ready te leave at sixteen. Is tha OK with you?’ I said with a stony face, making meself perfectly clear: she can’t get rid of me that easily.

  ‘Well . . . if you’re sure, then,’ she said, sounding very disappointed. ‘I’ll tell them when they phone me tomorrow.’

  ‘Thank you, Mother,’ and she headed inta the chapel and I headed off down the back convent stairs, wondering if it’s worth me while waiting until I’m sixteen te get outa this place. I could be living in England this time next week . . . but no! That’s only running away. I want te make sure I’m free as a bird when I do leave here. Fuck it! I’ll just have te make the best of it here. Keep away from those young ones and keep me head down and stay outa trouble. That bleeding woman is waiting for an excuse te throw me out given the first opportunity. She doesn’t like ye te cross her. So, fuck ye, Missus. We’ll see who bests who! So far, I’m besting you! Ha! When ye can’t beat them, join them! And beat them at their own game. That’s what I’ve learned in this place. So far it’s working!

  I skipped down the stairs, happy at the thought, this time next year I’ll be free as a bird. No Ma, Jackser, nuns or young ones tormenting me!

  The sudden thought steamrolling inta me head made me heart lurch, and I wanted te run in different directions at the same time. The ma! Wait! Fuck! She’ll be gone down the avenue and halfway te the bus stop by now. I leapt back up the stairs, taking them two at a time, me legs trying te stretch te three. I heaved meself up on the banisters, making fer the front door, and tore out through it, banging it shut behind me, and flew down the avenue, seeing no sight of them. I belted around the corner and saw them at the end of the road, just about te turn a corner.