Ma, I've Got Meself Locked Up in the Mad House Page 22

  They thought their world would last for ever. Life would go on. But it only takes one incident to change a whole way of life for ever. The death of an only son, say, in France, during the Great War. All the male staff go off to France, encouraged by His Lordship to ‘do your duty’ for ‘king and country’. They, the young staff, go more for adventure. Then it’s all over. The guns grow silent, the dust clears. The poison gas is blown in the wind, leaving nothing but an eerie silence. Neither man nor beast stirs. Nor bird in the sky. All lie dead, some mangled together among the tangled debris of shells and machine. All is devastation. A few with greed and avarice rode roughshod over a neighbour. It triggered a world out of control.

  The parents live out the twilight of their days without staff or son and heir. They are now lying dead on a patch of green in a foreign land among so many of their own countrymen it could be called ‘Little England’. The world had changed for ever. The house lies dying, waiting for the earth to reclaim it. But this place found a use.

  Yeah, people have had to put up with some really terrible things happening to them. Shame on you, Martha, for being such a wet nelly.

  God! If you’re there, then listen to me! For a start, look at the state a me! I’m in bleedin threadbare order. And I’m stuck in this place! I wouldn’t mind if I knew why I’m still here. There must be a reason! But I am still here, staring at those self-same trees that go on regardless, and they will, if left alone, go on long after I am pushing up daisies. So why am I huffing and puffing? And why did I let myself get knocked down?

  I stared at the trees, their huge trunks going hundreds of feet into the air, giving shelter to this lovely enclosed garden. I leaned out; it must be a least an acre. I wonder what those trees would say to me if they could speak? Giving me the wisdom of their age. They would probably look at me with bored but kindly wise eyes, and slowly wrap their leaves around them and bend their heads and say, ‘My dear,’ taking a deep slow gentle breath, ‘it is natural to fall. But you don’t stay down. You jump up and dust yourself down, and charge into battle again. Your destiny was indeed to do battle, just to survive, my dear. So be it. Each of us is unique. But you railed and pushed and shoved any obstacle that dared get in your path. You moved around it when you could not go through it. You did not stop to take a breath and look around to see if there was something on your path that might have helped you. Friends, or a mate, perhaps. You blindly went, sometimes staggering, but keeping your eye on your goal. When you did reach your goal, it wasn’t what you thought you wanted! You never stopped along the way and asked yourself what was really important to you. Not even when you fell so hard this time. You had brought no resources with you to pick yourself up. Now you were alone. Isolated on your little mountain. And the elements destroyed you, without the shelter and protection of people around you, loved ones, my dear. You are not an island. So now, my dear, it almost cost you your life! Take time. Just be still. Life is a great gift!

  ‘I have seen you all come and go over the centuries, and when your huffing and your puffing dies away, they put you in the ground, and a new batch emerge, no different from the last lot really. Perhaps you all make more noise, move faster, shout louder, but it is all the same to me. I stand here, soaking up the power and strength of the summers, giving my pleasures to you people, and battle the winters, determined to hold my place here on this earth. Time, my dear. Time is everything. Yours is short. People have a short lifespan. Do try not to hurry it or waste it. Just enjoy it. Now! I am old, my dear, I wish to conserve my strength. I would like to be still.’

  I lifted my eyes slowly away from the trees, taking a slow, deep sigh, feeling a lovely sense of peace, and drifted over to the tray on the bed. I put the cup down and lifted the tray, putting it on the floor against the wall at the end of the bed.

  ‘Bastards! Let me go!’

  I stopped, my heart giving a thud. What’s that?

  I rushed out the door just in time to see Mabel, the girl in the next room, being dragged along the floor by three nurses. A woman wearing a blue smock and leaning on a sweeping brush was standing holding the door open. I looked at the metal bucket with the wheels holding her mops and detergents. She flew out as soon as I opened the door.

  ‘Nurse!’ the aul one complained, her beady little eyes taking in the sight of Mabel being dragged through the door, kicking and cursing, great big snots pouring out of her nose.

  ‘No! No, please, Nurse. I want to go home,’ she begged, letting her head fall, with her eyes closing in exhaustion, but still refusing to give up the fight to escape out of this place. She screamed and fought until her strength finally left her. I stood and watched as she was dragged into the bedroom, then the door was slammed shut. I could hear them wrestling her onto the bed. Then one of the nurses came flying out and made for the door at the end of the passage and shot into the office.

  Your woman with the bucket gave me a suspicious look and turned sideways, keeping her eye on me, and locked the door into the passage by slamming it shut, making sure I couldn’t escape out of lock-up!

  I watched as she tested it to make sure it was locked. Then she picked up her bucket and blew a curly lock of grey-and-black hair out of her eyes and waddled off on her short fat legs, heading for the end door.

  She took out a bunch of keys, keeping herself sideways to watch me, then opened the door, keeping her knee on it to hold it open. I stood staring, envying her that freedom, and felt annoyed she had the power to lock me up. We kept our eyes locked on each other. I could see a malicious glint in her eye, enjoying her little bit of power, knowing I would give my eye teeth to leg it out that door.

  I watched as she picked up the bucket and wriggled through. A trickle of energy was beginning to flow through me, preparing for action, and for one split second I was about to leap forward and dash through, but the door slammed shut, and the moment was lost.

  I probably wouldn’t have got out that way anyway, I mused mournfully. Mabel tried to escape through the other door, so that’s probably the way out.

  The nurse came flying back, carrying a tray with bottles of stuff. She hurried into Mabel’s room, and I could see two nurses sitting on the bed, with Mabel giving them an all-out wrestling match. Her eyes looked terrified when she saw the nurse come dashing in with the tray. Then the door was slammed shut in my face.

  I stood staring at the locked door. So that’s what happens if you give them any grief! They have the power of life and death in this place. Those bleedin drugs could kill you, or at least turn you into the living dead. You wouldn’t know what’s up or down any more! Bastards! They have the ultimate control over you here. Well! Nobody’s controlling me!

  I turned and headed over to the desk, stopping and looking in through the thick glass. There were two nurses and a fellow in a white jacket and white trousers sitting on chairs and standing around holding up the walls, laughing and joking. Enjoying themselves!

  I knocked on the window; they ignored me. Then I banged harder, and heads looked over, then looked through me and went on with their carrying-on as if I wasn’t here. ‘Bastards!’ I snorted, looking around for something to bang the window with. Nothing! I looked down at my bare feet – not even a pair of shoes!

  Then the door opened again into lock-up and a man in a grey suit came through. I shot off like the wind, heading for the door. ‘Not so fast!’ said the tall, skinny fellow with the thick glasses, whipping the door shut, giving me a smile and trotting past me.

  I follow him, and he stops, looks at me, then points me to my room, saying, ‘No, you don’t! Into your room, NOW!’ Then he turns tail, heading for the end door.

  I sidled down after him anyway, and he opened the door, giving me a glimpse of male patients wandering like zombies up and down a passage. Then he squeezed himself through the door, all the time watching me and giving a smile like an eegit that said, Lookit me! I’m in charge of you! Aren’t I great!

  ‘Fuck face!’ I muttered after him. Then I went back to th
e window and started knocking again. They simply ignored me! Bastards. Then I wandered into the toilet. A little wash basin and a toilet bowl – that’s it. No toilet brush to bang the window with. So I flushed the bowl for something to do. Then turned on the tap. Plenty of hot water. More than I have at home. I have to light the fire to get the back boiler heated before I can get hot water. The bloody electric immersion is gone. It costs too much money to replace.

  I heard activity outside and rushed out, not wanting to miss any excitement. The three nurses came out, leaving Mabel conked out in the bed.

  ‘Excuse me!’ I said, looking from one to the other.

  They looked at me, then went on chattering and walking off to the office as if I didn’t exist.

  I watched their backs, feeling fury at their ignorance. But cooled down rapidly, thinking of poor Mabel. I certainly don’t want the same treatment.

  ‘May I take a bath?’ I threw at their backs in my politest-of-polite voice.

  One of them looked back. An anaemic-looking cow, and she had no eyebrows and very thin, long, stringy, mousey hair tied back with a slide. ‘No! Now go to your room, please!’

  I watched her as she whirled back to the other two gobshites, who looked at her and laughed.

  Just as they were about to go through the end door, I wailed, ‘Then at least give me a bed to sleep in. The wheel is missing on that one!’ I roared, pointing at my room.

  ‘Later! When we get time,’ your woman shouted back before slamming the door shut.

  I was left standing with my mouth hanging open, looking at nothing. Four walls, two doors and the big partition bullet-proof glass office window, with bodies moving around behind it. You couldn’t even hear what they were saying. And that’s it!

  I sat down to wait for Godot at a little grey-plastic table shoved into a dark corner of the corridor. Because that’s what this is really. The women’s part is on the right, and the men’s is on the left. And Mabel and I are stuck in no-man’s-land. Oh! You really have done it this time, Martha. Getting yourself locked up here! How could you be so bloody stupid?

  It didn’t take you long to forget just how controlling the authorities can be once they get you into their clutches, you fucking eegit. You better than anyone should remember how fast they were to whip children away from their mothers and even lock up the fucking mothers in homes as well if it didn’t look as if they could take care of themselves. Jesus Christ! The rule has always been: no matter how poor you are, no matter how low you fall, you never let yourself get into the hands of the bleedin authorities. Then they just hand you over to the Church, and they fucking lock you up!

  I took in a huge breath, running my hands through my matted hair, thinking, when is the last time I combed this? Then I snorted the air out through my nose, making a huge noise. I listened to it, there’s nothing else to take my attention. Bloody hell! If I still have a shred of sanity left, I’m going to lose it in this place.

  I was feeling banjacksed but too wound up to relax and get some sleep. Then the door opened again. A nurse was coming through. I hopped up without thinking and skated towards the door, sliding along the carpet in my bare feet. She calmly shut the door, locking it, and swept past me, giving me a look with her eyebrows raised like I was a dog who wasn’t allowed into the house.

  I wandered to the middle of the floor and sat down, watching both doors now, ready to make it before they knew what happened. Better than doing nothing. It will keep me occupied, trying to get the better of them gobshites. I think they only give you that poison, their bleedin drugs, if you start roaring and shouting and look as if you’ve lost your mind.

  The door at the end of the passage opened, and I spotted the long, skinny fellow with the jam-jar glasses coming through. I took no notice, staring across at the desk with my hands in my lap, looking like I was contemplating my belly button. I lowered my head, watching him heading for the female ward, then I lifted myself up slowly, walked over to the desk, watching him put the keys in the door, then he started to turn the handle, and I was off.

  I shot like the wind, lightly flicking his arm out of the way, and I was through.

  ‘Stop! Get her!’

  I was gone, flying like a blue-arse fly. Heading for the door at the end of the passage! Eyes at the desk close to the door for freedom looked up, moving slowly towards me. Too late! I was at the door, jamming the handle to open. Locked! I turned. Two men with their white coats flapping out behind them, with nurses tearing up the rear, were barrelling down towards me. The group behind the desk, two nurses and one in a navy-blue check uniform – she looked like she was in charge – shouted at the two nurses, ‘Grab her, for heaven’s sake!’

  I went between the two nurses and tore right, lashing down a corridor. I could see the white coats bombing down the other side, and the bloody two nurses racing behind me. I shot into a room and slammed the door shut. No lock! This is fucking ridiculous. If I could get home, let’s see what they could do about it then. I haven’t committed a fucking crime!

  The door opened, and the nurses came in, shouting, ‘Do that again and you’ll stay in lock-up for a very long time! Wait until Doctor hears about this.’

  The others skated to a stop when they saw me being marched out of the storeroom. I grinned and waved at them. Fuck you! You are all going to get a run for your money. I shall keep you lot on your toes, I thought, letting myself be led back to my room.

  ‘I’ll do a deal with you!’ I said to the white coats, as they led me into the bedroom. ‘Fix that bed, and I will lie down like a model mental patient,’ and I grinned, showing my white pearlies, ‘and go to sleep! How’s that?’

  They looked at me, then looked at the bed, and the little fellow with the mop of short blond hair said, ‘OK, but you must promise, mind!’

  ‘Cross my heart and pray to die!’ I drawled out, seeing the irony lost on them. They looked very hard done by, having to run the length of the top floor! Cretins! I thought, watching them amble off to get me a new bed.

  So! What was all that about? I mused. Ah! It was fun! There’s no way you are going to get out of this place, carrying on like that. But still, at least they noticed you, and now you might get a decent bed.

  I slumped back on the pillow, feeling exhausted. That burst of adrenalin cost you your reserves of energy. I closed my eyes and before I knew what was happening I was being shaken awake.

  ‘Time to get up!’

  I lifted my head off the pillow, wondering where I was, seeing a fellow in a grey suit pushing in a locker and leaving a carafe of water on top.

  ‘Up for breakfast!’ he said, pushing out a trolley with bottles of water crashing around.

  I sat up, staring around the room. It’s morning! Another bloody day in this place. Another day to get through on this godforsaken earth! I felt the old familiar sensation of my heart sinking into my belly, the flutterings of anxiety in my chest, then a heavy weight settled down inside me, pulling me all the way down into despair.

  30

  * * *

  I feel lost and alone, frightened, like a young child who has been left, forgotten, abandoned. I don’t belong to anyone; there is no one to claim me. There is an emptiness around me, like silence; no echo of warmth, no other human to connect with. It has been like this for a long time now, and I know no one will come. I am completely alone, just me and my emptiness. I don’t matter, and I’m not bothered any more. I don’t want myself, I’m not worth the air I breathe, and I don’t want to be around people. I want to be left alone to die. A coldness settles inside me now. I don’t think or care or worry. Nothing and nobody can touch me.

  A nurse put her head in the door and said, ‘Breakfast!’

  I slowly swung my legs out of the bed and padded out the door, the nurse watching me. She moves out of the way, letting me know she’s in charge and I’d better get moving.

  The end door opened, and I followed the nurse through onto a corridor. We turned right into a dining room overlooking th
e courtyard. ‘Sit here!’ she said, pointing me to a table with two men already sitting waiting for their breakfast.

  There is row after row of tables with men of all ages in dressing gowns and slippers being served breakfast by nurses scurrying up and down with bowls of cornflakes and plates of sausages and rashers and snow-white eggs with soft yellow yolks on top. Toast is put into toast racks, and there are little bowls of marmalade. And another nurse pours cups of tea from a huge kettle.

  ‘Do you want a fry?’ a big fellow wearing a grey suit and white shirt and black tie asks me.

  I give a little shake of my head, declining, and he passes the fry to the fellow sitting beside me.

  ‘Can we have more toast, please, Brother?’ the fat fellow beside me asks, stuffing a rasher into his mouth. It has to fight for room with the whole egg and half a piece of toast, along with the sausage he’s now forcing in, and now he says with a mouthful of food and an empty plate even before the Brother has moved off, ‘And second helpings, Brother!’ The food was shooting everywhere on that last demand. Oh! I’ve had enough of this.

  I stood up and walked out into the passage, waiting for someone to open the door so I could get back to my room. I looked down the passage with the glass all round, looking over to the sitting room of the female quarters, then back to the potted plants and huge metal pots with palm trees. Then I wandered down to stand outside the office and stared in through the glass surround at the day staff taking their orders from the grey suits, who I now knew were Brothers.