Ma, I'm Gettin Meself a New Mammy Read online

  ‘You are miles away!’ said Thelma, jumping inta the seat beside me, giving me a fright.

  ‘Yeah! I was just thinking about that poteen stuff yer da is drinking.’

  ‘Yeah!’ she laughed, looking over at him wrestling with the dog. ‘That’s his special Christmas treat,’ she laughed.

  ‘But it would blow the head off ye!’ I said.

  ‘Yeah, I know,’ she laughed, looking at me. ‘Why? Have you had some?’

  ‘No! Never! I wouldn’t touch drink, not on yer nelly!’ I snorted, disgusted at even the idea. ‘No, how I know all about that stuff, Thelma, is because I heard two aul ones talking about it, telling each other how they got on over the Christmas,’ I said, moving me chair over closer te her and staring inta her face.

  ‘Yeah?’ Thelma said, nodding her head up and down, smiling and listening.

  ‘Well,’ I said, ‘one aul one said she hoped she’d never have another Christmas like the last one. They all, the whole family, all ten of them ended up without any Christmas dinner at all.’

  Thelma burst out laughing, and I laughed. ‘Yeah!’ I said, shaking me head and going on with me story. ‘It all started when one aul one stopped te talk te a neighbour. “How’re ye, Maggie?” said the blonde aul one with the husband who delivers the bread for Golden Crust – that’s a good job, so it is.’

  ‘Yeah!’ said Thelma, her eyes shining with the laugh, her mouth open, waiting.

  ‘Anyway! She asked the grey-haired aul one who lives up the road – this was in Finglas, and the blonde one lives at the other end of the road te her – “How did ye get on over the Christmas?” asked the blonde one, leaning herself against a garden wall, and fixing her shopping bag on her arm, and settling herself in for a bit a news.

  ‘“Ah, Jaysus! Don’t be askin! I’ll only tell ye, Missus!”

  ‘“Why? Wha happened te ye?” screamed the blonde, the eyes hanging outa her head from shock and excitement at getting a bit a great news.

  ‘“Well!” the grey-haired one said, planting herself in fronta the blonde and leaning herself back and rocking on her feet, then folding her arms, wit her purse a money in one arm and the shopping bag in the other. “The relations in the country sent me up a lovely big turkey. Right?”

  ‘“Right! Go on,” said the blonde, encouraging her.

  ‘“Well! . . . Oh, them’s the relations on his side, not mine be the way! He’s a country man from Connemara, a finer-lookin man ye couldn’t meet, Missus! I fell for him straight away. Jaysus! If ye only saw the state a him now. He’s gone te seed!”’ I said, looking over at the mammy, screaming her head laughing, standing and listening. ‘“But anyway, back then he was a lovely-lookin man altogether,” she said, her eyes wandering back te them days. Then she straightened her eyes, flickin them back on the blonde one again, saying, “So, anyway! Where was I? What was I just saying? Oh, yeah!” she went on. “So they are his relations, ye see, not mine,” she said, staring at the blonde, making sure she understood that important fact. “No! Mine are all from the city centre, Dominick Street. We’re all born and bred Dubliners, and them tha came before me,” she insisted te the blonde, making sure the woman understood she was no bog woman.

  ‘“Oh God, yes!” said the blonde, tightening her face and shaking her head like mad. “Oh, I know that.”

  ‘“Well, anyways, they sent the turkey up by the post, and when it arrived it was really only a lovely-lookin turkey, Missus! Ye shoulda seen the size of it. Jaysus! It was only massive! I kept wonderin if it would fit in me oven. Anyways! Te cut a long story short, I stuck it in the way it was, straight inta the oven, te let it cook, after lighting the gas, and put loads a newspapers around the floor te catch the grease. Are ye wit me?” she said, slapping the hand offa the blond one.

  ‘“Oh, yes! Indeed I am,” said the blonde, dying te get te the end a the story te know what happened.

  ‘“So anyway!” the grey-haired one said, continuing her story. “I was blind, bothered an bewildered tryin te keep them kids a mine from slopping all over me papers, then!” she said, holding her forehead wit one hand and the woman’s shoulder with the other. “Missus! I am still not the better of it. Outa nowhere there was an unmerciful explosion that sent the cooker door flyin off its hinges, straight across the room! Jaysus, Mary an Joseph! It’s a mercy no one was kilt stone dead, an me lovely turkey went flying in another direction, splattering itself all over me ceilin!”’

  Thelma screamed her head off laughing, rocking back in the chair, and the mammy grabbed a hold of the mantlepiece after giving an unmerciful roar outa her, laughing hysterically, and the daddy slammed down his poteen, throwing his head back with the laugh, and slapping the grandad, who nearly swallowed his false teeth. I laughed me head off at them laughing, trying te say, ‘Wait! I’m not finished.’

  ‘Oh God almighty,’ said the daddy, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffing. ‘Dat’s the best story yet!’

  ‘Go on! Go on!’ said the mammy, waving them quiet, leaning herself over te me, her mouth open ready, with a big red nose and watery eyes from all the laughing.

  ‘Right!’ I said, continuing me story, taking in a big breath. ‘Then she waited te see wha the other woman thought of tha. By leaning herself in on top a the woman an staring inta her face, then folding her arms, with her mouth drawn straight across, clamped tight shut. “Go way! Isn’t tha terrible?” the other woman said, this time slapping the hand a the grey woman, her eyes bulging, hanging outa her head. “An wha caused tha may I ask ye?” the blonde woman said, dropping her jaw, staring at the other woman.

  ‘“I was waitin for ye te ask me tha,” the grey-haired one said, looking very serious an shaking her head up an down slowly, like she knew when the world was going te end and was just about te tell the blonde one. “Yes! May well ye ask,” said the explosion woman, slapping her friend on the hand. “Do ye know what it was?” she shouted, slapping her again.

  ‘“No!” said the friend, her eyes in the back of her head trying te picture it and work out wha mighta happened.

  ‘“Well, I’ll tell ye now, it was them relations in the country. They stuck a bottle a tha bleedin poteen stuff up the bird’s arse, te hide it from the post office, ye see!”’ I kept talking over the screams and roars of laughing coming from everyone; they coughed and sniffed, trying te keep themself quiet while I went on with the story.

  ‘“The bleedin poteen,” she roared, slapping her pal on the hand with every word coming outa her mouth. “And the bleedin bottle exploded in the oven. They couldn’t tell me te look for it, or it woulda given the game away. And we woulda all been arrested.”

  ‘“Oh holy Mother a Jaysus,” said the pal, her jaw droppin down te her chest. “So after all tha ye’s got nothin te eat?”

  ‘“No! We had no oven, did we? An we ended up with the sausages an black an white puddin an the eggs they sent us up, because their ones do be lovely an fresh. Anyway, tha was supposed te be for the breakfasts all over the Christmas, an we ended up eatin the whole lot in one day. Leavin us nothin much te eat for the rest a the Christmas.”

  ‘“Ah, Jaysus, Mary an Joseph! That’s terrible altogether! No! Tha was very unfortunate altogether, wasn’t it?” the woman said with a half laugh on her face, her eyes shining, looking like she wanted te go mad and laugh her head off. “Well, goodbye now! An I hope ye have better luck next time.”

  ‘“I’ll see ye! Look after yerself!” An they flew off, taking themselves off in different directions. Yeah, I remember tha all right! I kept picturing the turkey flying in all directions, getting splattered,’ I said te the air, because no one could hear me. The place was erupted with the noise of them laughing.

  ‘Oh God almighty! I’ve never laughed like dat in me whole life!’ the daddy sniffed, trying te wipe the tears outa his eyes.

  The mammy was trying te get up off the chair, complaining she’d wet her knickers. And rushed out the door holding her knees together, still laughing, desperate
te get te the toilet.

  ‘Oh, jeepers! I’ll have to go to the bathroom upstairs,’ moaned Thelma, laughing and jigging out the door after the mammy.

  CHAPTER 16

  ‘I’m going to get the tea, girls! You must be starved, you poor thing, Martha, pet,’ the mammy said, looking hot and tired, yet still and all worrying her head about me.

  Ah, she really is a lovely woman, I thought, looking over at her with her head flying around the kitchen, thinking how much she has te do and where she should start first.

  ‘God! What you must be thinking of us, I don’t know,’ the mammy said, looking like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

  I smiled, mumbling, ‘No, everything’s grand thanks,’ but really feeling I’m in the way.

  ‘Do you want to go up to your room and see where you’re sleeping?’ she suddenly asked me, filling the kettle for the tea, her eyes softening in hope the family will look better if she can get me settled.

  I stood up smiling happily, ‘Yeah! Thanks, Missus!’

  ‘No! Call me Mam if ye like, but not that. It’s too formal,’ she laughed. ‘And you’re part of the family as long as you are staying in this house.’

  ‘Thank you, Mam,’ I said, shyly.

  ‘Daddy!’

  ‘Wha now?’ he barked, looking up as he tried te pour himself another drink without spilling it.

  ‘Bring Martha’s case in from the back of the car.’

  ‘I did!’ he roared. ‘It’s sitting out in the hall waiting for ye’s. Now let a man have an honest drink, for the love a God!’

  ‘Honest drink, me eye!’ muttered the mammy, laughing te us.

  ‘Will yeh have one yerself, Granny?’ roared the daddy.

  ‘Wha is it?’

  ‘Give her no such thing!’ roared the grandad! ‘Dat stuff is not to be wasted on the likes of her,’ he snorted, waving his glass in the granny’s direction.

  ‘Come on!’ Thelma laughed. ‘Let’s get out of here!’ Then the doorbell rang and the dog leapt up, going demented, barking his head off, forgetting about his slipper and tearing for the door, following the daddy out te open it.

  ‘Get in!’ roared the daddy, and I could hear a pause and a mutter then the dog came flying back in, not stopping te look behind him, and carrying his two back legs like he was trying te protect his arse. Then he whirled around and stood his ground in the middle of the kitchen, waiting and watching te see who’s coming in the door, moaning an keening because he couldn’t get out at them.

  ‘Mammy! I’m home!’ shouted a little fella with short brown curly hair and a little white face with a button nose, and lovely grey eyes that shone outa his head as he whipped it around the room, taking in everything at once, and landing them on me, staring with his mouth open. Then he shouted, ‘Did yeh get the orphan, Mammy? Is that the one?’ pointing at me.

  ‘Oh holy God!’ the mammy said, turning bright red and burying her face in her hands laughing, then shaking her head at me, saying, ‘Take no notice, Martha. He’s just excited to see you.’

  ‘Mammy!’ he shouted, forgetting about me. ‘Look what Uncle Seamus bought me!’ He held up a little box with a Dinky car inside. ‘It’s a Roadster sports car,’ he roared, his eyes rolling outa his head with the excitement as he dropped down onta his knees, trying te get the box opened in an awful hurry, while the mammy bent herself looking down.

  ‘God bless all here!’ laughed a man coming in and standing at the door with his hands in his pockets and smiling, showing the whitest set of gnashers I ever saw, and laughing outa the brightest pair of blue eyes I ever laid eyes on. I stared at him. He had straw fair hair that stood up even though he tried te flatten it down with Brylcreem. I could smell it from the other end of the kitchen.

  ‘Uncle Seamus!’ screamed Thelma, running and throwing herself inta his arms. ‘You’re back! What did you buy me?’

  ‘Easy now! Uff! Ye’re a strong girl,’ he panted, getting the wind knocked outa him. ‘Yeh nearly knocked me sideways,’ he said, tumbling backwards with her and steadying himself and her.

  ‘What did you get me? Did you buy me something nice?’ she said, looking up inta his face, smiling.

  ‘Ha, ha, yeh’ll have to wait for Santa Claus teh find dat out,’ he roared, laughing.

  ‘I know what he bought you!’ screamed Joseph.

  ‘No! Shush! Mustn’t spoil the game,’ Seamus said, putting his finger te his mouth and nodding slowly te Joseph.

  ‘Oh, yeh’re right! It’s our men’s secrets from the women!’ he said, shaking his head up and down slowly, whispering like it was the most sacred thing in the whole world.

  ‘Yours is sitting under the Christmas tree in the front room,’ the uncle whispered, leaning over te her ear.

  ‘Oh, what is it? Will you not tell me now? Is it big?’ she said, hopping up and down, wriggling herself around the place like a two year old.

  Jaysus! She’s a bit childish for her age all the same, I thought, looking at her. I suppose she’s like that because she got an awful lot a minding.

  ‘Oh, Daddy! I can’t wait to open all my presents!’ she squealed, flying over te the daddy and swinging her arms around his neck.

  The daddy’s eyes went crosswise with the sudden shock of his drink swinging around in his hand as he watched a splash go inta the air. He held it steady, away from him in the air, saying, ‘Ah, dotie! Go easy on yure aul daddy, I’m not as young as I used teh be, and mind me aul drink. This stuff is like gold dust!’ he said, swinging her around te the other side of him and grabbing her under his left arm, nursing the drink well away from her in the other. She sat on his left knee with her arm around his shoulder and his arm around her waist, watching contentedly with a little smile on her face, sucking on her thumb while the daddy talked away te everyone.

  Gawd! Sucking her thumb at her age! I stared at her, not believing me eyes. There must be something wrong with her, I said te meself slowly, watching her drop her head on his shoulder, stroking her nose with her fingers and sucking like mad, her lips getting pushed out over her thumb, and her eyes half closing. She’d never get te go off on her own next year like the rest of us in the convent when we’re sixteen. No! I really wouldn’t have too much te say te her; we’d have nothing te talk about. I’m thinking about different things, while her mind is on school and what she’s going te get for Christmas. Yeah! Just as well for her, because with looks like hers ye’d need all the help ye can get! Still an all, there was a bit of me that wouldn’t mind getting meself minded like that. I could feel the sour humming of jealousy flying up and down me chest as I turned me head away in disgust.

  ‘Will yeh have a drop a the hard stuff?’ Daddy said, holding the bottle up and looking at it te see how much was left.

  ‘Ah, begad! Grandad is at it again,’ Seamus roared, laughing his head off. ‘One of these days,’ he said, laughing and wagging his head at the grandad.

  ‘Well! We won’t be the only ones teh suffer, begad! The sergeant would be crying inta his socks this Christmas for the want of the drop a the craythur, the hard stuff, if it wasn’t for me,’ he said, sending his false teeth flying up and down in his head, giving a sour look around the room, then taking a big slurp of his drink and smacking his big lips together, pressing them out and tasting them.

  ‘Yeh mean you’re bribing the local sergeant back home is it?’ roared the mammy, looking shocked.

  ‘Ah, go on outa dat! Bribing me arse!’ growled the grandad, making te spit, looking around him but finding nowhere te land it, so swallowing it.

  Gawd! The mammy is going back te her fierce culchie accent, I thought, seeing her staring at the grandad, full of interest at what was being said. I’ve never been with real culchies before, not this close up anyway, and they’re gas! They spend all their time shouting, but they don’t mean a word of it. There’s nothing vicious at all about the way they carry on! I took in a deep breath, letting me chest drop, feeling easier in meself, getting used te them.

/>   ‘Will a mixed grill do you all?’ the mammy said, lifting up the heavy frying pan outa the press and lighting the gas. Then she took out stuff from the fridge and slapped a load of lamb chops on the pan and started te fry them, and put a pile of sausages under the grill with black and white pudding sliced with a big knife and stuck them on and started washing tomatoes and slicing them up. Then she put sugar on the tomatoes cut in half and put them beside the sausages, and started cutting up slices of brown soda bread. I could see it was fresh and wanted te ask if she made it herself. But there was talk going backwards and forwards between everyone, and I didn’t want te hear me own voice talking te them, because I’m the odd one out with me real Dublin way of talking, and I’d stick out too much. So I kept meself quiet.

  I’m feeling a bit tired now with all the excitement and trying te fit in, not be in the way. But I’d like te take it easy now on me own where I wouldn’t feel I’m on show. I wonder where me case is sitting and where I’m going te sleep. Wonder how many bedrooms they have. It’s a lovely house, I thought te meself, looking around at the kitchen with the wooden overmantle going from the fireplace te nearly the top of the wall with the high ceiling. I looked up at all her little ornaments lined up on the mantle, and the photographs of her and the husband getting married. I could see the granny standing beside the mammy, and the two of them looked a lot younger. She’s wearing a long white frock down te just above the ankles, and white wedge sandals they look like, and a white veil, holding up a big bunch of flowers and smiling with a big mop of curly hair. And the daddy is wearing a black suit with a white tie, and he has a white carnation in his lapel. They all look very happy; there’s a big crowd of them. I leaned over te get a look at the other grandaddy and granny. She’s wearing a big hat with a scarf tied in a bow at the front. Showing up this granny here, who only has a little hat on, and it’s collapsed over the side of her head; she looks drunk! Her husband, this grandad here, is giving a big toothpaste smile, showing off all his own teeth. Lovely, I thought, taking a big sigh, wishing I could ask her who’s who, and what did they get te eat at the wedding, and where they went for their honeymoon.