Ma, I'm Gettin Meself a New Mammy Read online

  Then it hit me, what she just said. Beauty! Thelma? I looked at Thelma, delighted with being called a beauty, puffing herself up, an nearly erupted inside meself. I suddenly wanted te burst out laughing. Beauty! Thelma? No! I’m not laughing at Thelma; it’s just the way Sister Eleanor comes out with things. I could feel me face getting red and coming out in a sweat. I’m not going te be able te stop meself. It’s me nerves. The effort of trying not te snort out through me nose and make a show of meself and end up hurting the people and spoil everything. They’ll think I’m laughing at them! Dear God! Don’t let me make a fool of meself and have them run out the door, leaving me standing here, because they think I’m insulting them.

  ‘Could I go te the toilet, Sister Eleanor?’ I wheezed out, holding me breath, me face getting redder by the minute, ready te burst, and rushing past her, out the door. I flew down te the nuns’ toilet, knowing they will go mad if they catch me in there. Fuck them! I shot in and put the catch across and turned on the tap, snorting me heart out inta me hands, laughing at nothing. Right! OK. I’m grand now, just take it easy. I’ll wash me face and hands in cold water. I need te make meself go easy. It’s just nerves! I’m not used te going te people’s houses; that’s all that’s wrong with me. I only went the once and that was a few years ago when I stayed with Flo . . . Flo! Oh, I still miss her! One day I’m going te go back and visit her . . . Yeah, that’s definite.

  Right! I took in a breath, easing me heart; I could feel it hammering away in me chest. I felt it! Jaysus! It’s going like the clappers. Now, take it easy; ye’ll be fine. She’s a lovely woman, and Thelma is grand; we’ll get along fine. They really do want me te go te their house. They’re not feeling sorry for me, or making me feel I owe them something. Or making themself feel better by looking down on me. No! She’s a nice woman, and she is a real mammy. I like her. Right! Get going!

  I opened the door, making me way up the stairs, and they were standing in the hall waiting for me.

  ‘Are you all right now, dear?’ the mammy asked, looking concerned. ‘Ah, she’ll be fine, it’s just the excitement,’ the mammy smiled te Sister Eleanor, who didn’t look too happy, thinking I was making a joke outa people. ‘Sure they’re all the same!’ she said, laughing in Thelma’s direction.

  Gawd! The mammy understands I’m just excited. I think they all knew I wanted te laugh. Gawd! Behave yerself, ye gobshite, I muttered te meself.

  ‘Goodbye now!’ Sister Eleanor said, opening the hall door and watching as we all trailed out. ‘Happy Christmas to you all, and may it be a peaceful one filled with joy,’ she shouted te the mammy, looking from them te me, giving me a warning look, squinting her left eye at me and twisting her face. Then she beamed back te the mammy, saying, ‘Thank you so much for taking Martha. She really is all excited.’

  ‘Yeah, I am,’ I laughed happily, rushing over behind them.

  I stood back, waiting behind the others as a grey-haired man wearing a cap pulled down over his eyes hopped outa a little beige Baby Austin car. He pulled the back seat up te let the mammy bend herself in half, trying te get in without knocking herself out on the roof. She squeezed herself inta the corner te make room for Thelma getting in next. I stopped, looking down at me case, wondering what te do with it, because there was barely enough room for me.

  ‘I’ll take dat for yeh,’ the man said, grabbing it and heading off te the back of the car and opening the boot. The mammy gave a big sigh, lifting her big black leather handbag up from underneath Thelma’s arse and slapped it on her lap. She laughed happily and looked around, saying, ‘We should make good time if Daddy gets his skates on,’ and then looked out the back window, saying, ‘Where’s Grandad got to?’

  ‘He’s over looking at the cows, Mammy.’

  ‘I declare to God! It’s a pity we couldn’t talk him into staying at home with Granny. She’ll be giving out lingo now about Scrapper. They’re not too fond of each other,’ she said, looking at me.

  ‘That’s the dog,’ Thelma said, lifting her eyebrows and dropping her mouth, letting a big sigh outa her.

  The mammy rolled down the window, shouting, ‘Daddy! Will yeh ever get Grandad moving? He’ll stand there all night gaping at them cows!’

  Thelma gave another big sigh, dropping her shoulders, and muttered te the mammy, ‘Mammy, shush!’ and gave me a sidelong glance te see if I heard her.

  I pretended te look out the other side of the window, taking no notice of the carryings on.

  ‘Dem’s lovely heifers,’ the grandad muttered te the mammy, slowly passing her window and hauling himself inta the front seat of the car.

  ‘Ah, Daddy, can we get moving now?’ the mammy puffed with impatience, slapping the shoulder of the grey-haired man, who was sitting himself inta the driver’s seat with all the time in the world on him, and looking around at the dashboard te make sure everything was still there.

  ‘Dem’s lovely milkers,’ the old man said, turning around te the mammy.

  ‘Tsk, tsk,’ sigh, sob. The mammy grunted, ignoring him and looking more impatient by the minute, staring daggers at the back of the daddy’s head. He was still staring around the front of his car and testing the window wipers, sending the water flying in all directions.

  ‘Look at the lovely udders on dem!’ the grandad muttered, eyeing the cows. ‘I’d say now dey give buckets a milk.’

  ‘Oh, holy be!’ the mammy muttered, beginning te lose her patience.

  ‘What de yeh tink yerself, Tom?’ he asked, looking over at the driver turning the key in the engine, trying te get it started.

  ‘I would!’ Tom said, staring at the key, waiting for the engine te start.

  It went, Neh . . . neh . . . neh! And he turned the key again. Neh . . . neh . . . and he pumped the pedal like mad and the engine danced inta life and went, Brum, brum, then faded away with a load a smoke pouring out the back. ‘I’ll get it this time,’ he said quickly.

  We all stayed quiet, holding our breath and watching the key. Brum, brum . . . it started, and the daddy’s leg pumped up and down like mad, and his head with it, and the engine screamed but kept going, and we took off with the car jumping forward, and holding that for a minute, then he pulled back the gear lever and we shot back inta the seat again. We were moving, with a load of blue smoke pouring out the back.

  ‘Close the windows!’ the mammy shouted, twisting the handle like mad, looking around te see if there was any other windows open. ‘Or we’ll all be suffocated!’ she puffed, then sat herself back, gripping onta her handbag, waiting te get home.

  ‘Take her easy now,’ muttered the grandad, staring straight at the gates miles ahead and throwing his voice te the daddy, who was not taking his eyes off the avenue. ‘Mind dem trees! Dem branches is leaning dangerously close to the car,’ muttered the grandad.

  The engine was screaming, and me neck was straining, but we weren’t moving any faster. Then he pulled the gear handle down again, and the engine went amump! and took off, and we were pushed back in the seat again. I lifted meself forward a bit te take a look at the clock te see how fast we were going. It’s nearly tipping ten miles an hour! And the grandad said, sitting back in his seat, ‘Dat’s right, Tom! Keep her going at dat! Let her take it nice ’n easy! Dem’s lovely fields the nuns have here,’ he said contentedly, looking over at the fields and sitting himself back for more comfort, knowing everything was under control and Tom was taking it nice ’n easy. ‘Dey have lovely grazing for dem milkers! I wonder how much milk dey’d get outa one a dem cows,’ he asked, throwing his head at the daddy.

  ‘Begad! I’d say they do well! And the land’s lovely all right! Haven’t dey got dem animals out an managing to get the winter grazing? Ah, leave it to dem nuns! Dey do know what it’s all about, right enough,’ the daddy said, dropping his neck and shaking his head, looking like he was trying te get rid of a bluebottle fly whipping around his neck.

  ‘T’is fierce cold,’ he said, puffing out his breath.

  ‘Ah t’is not! T
’is not at all! T’is spoilt yeh all are since yeh started moving into yure fancy house wit yure fancy heaters in every room. Den yeh go blocking all the doors and windas to keep the God-given fresh air out! Sure, t’is suffocating yeh all are!’ the grandad said, looking around at the lot of us one by one and rattling his false teeth up and down.

  I stared at his rubbery face with folds a skin hanging down and his big nose covered with blackheads. I wonder why he doesn’t squeeze them? I thought te meself, taking in the white hair sticking outa his two nostrils. He even has hair growing outa his ears! I’d love te get me hands on him and use the tweezers the other big eejits are always messing with. I could get rid of that hair in no time!

  ‘How are the new teeth, Grandad?’ asked the mammy, leaning inta him.

  ‘Ah! Don’t start me off about dem,’ he shouted. ‘Dese ones are worse dan the last lot!’ and he whipped them out, sticking them in the mammy’s face. ‘Gluck! Dey don’t flit!’ he mouthed, showing her his gums.

  ‘Grandad!’ roared Thelma. ‘That is disgusting. Mammy! Tell him to put back his teeth,’ she said, waving her head in the air, trying te look everywhere but at him.

  I burst out laughing. ‘Grandad!’ whispered the mammy. ‘Put your teeth back in, you’ll make a show of us,’ she said, looking at me laughing, trying te laugh herself, but snorting instead, looking out the window, muttering, ‘I’m mortified! What will people think of us at all, at all?’

  ‘Here we are, thank God we finally made it. Home at last,’ the mammy suddenly said, stirring herself and lifting her handbag.

  I woke up from me doze, looking around at the line of old houses with lovely trees, and porches that ye can stand in te keep outa the elements. All the footpaths were lined with trees as well. We drove in a gate and swung around a little bend, stopping the car, and the daddy shouted, ‘Take it easy now, everyone. Give me time to switch off the engine.’

  ‘Oh!’ said the mammy, grabbing her handbag and gloves. ‘Move out there, Grandad, and let us all get into the comfort of the house.’

  ‘God! But dere’s no doubt about it! You women are always in a hurry!’ Grandad muttered, not shifting himself.

  ‘Come on, Grandad, let us out! I have more to be doing than gabbing with you all night!’ she snorted, losing her rag.

  We all sat patiently while the daddy turned off the engine and slowly pulled out the key and looked te make sure everything was all right. ‘Have I switched off me headlights, Paidir?’

  ‘Oh, I’ll go and take a look,’ Grandad said, heaving himself outa the front seat.

  The mammy was half sitting up with her arse balanced over the seat, and as soon as the grandad emptied himself outa the seat she was up and trying te squeeze herself out through the door. ‘We’ll have to get a bigger car, Daddy,’ she huffed, trying te get her breath. ‘The lot of us won’t fit in that thing. The children are getting too big.’

  ‘Dere’s nothing wrong with my car,’ he muttered under his breath. ‘It’s more like yourself is getting too big!’

  ‘What was that I heard you say?’ roared the mammy.

  ‘I said you’re right, love! We ought teh be thinking in dat direction right enough,’ he said, taking the cap off his head and slapping it back down again.

  ‘Oh, Daddy! You shouldn’t be going and upsetting Mammy like that,’ Thelma moaned, giving him a little slap on his arm.

  The daddy pretended te fall, and laughed, saying, ‘I said nothing at all to Mammy; I was just codding!’

  ‘Yesh! The lights are off right enough!’ Grandad said, looking from one light te the other, flapping his teeth up and down and sucking them onta his chin and back up te his mouth again.

  ‘Come on into the heat,’ the daddy said, ‘before yure mammy has a chance to give yure poor aul daddy another roasting,’ and he ran at her, grabbing hold of her waist and running her inta the house.

  The mammy had put the key inta the door and pushed it in. I followed behind them, and a white streak came flying outa nowhere, barking its head off and making straight for me. ‘Aah!’ I moaned, getting a fright, looking down at a little white dog trying te take the toes off me. He was biting and growling, and standing back te look at me.

  ‘Stop, Scrapper!’ roared Thelma, making a grab for him. ‘He’s our little demon,’ she said, squeezing him and rubbing her head on him. ‘He’s a Jack Russell,’ she said, trying te keep a hold of him, the dog watching me like a hawk, wriggling and trying te get loose te run at me again.

  ‘Get outa dat!’ roared the daddy. ‘Don’t worry he won’t touch yeh,’ he said, patting me on my shoulder.

  ‘Take that bloody thing to hell outa here!’ roared a voice from the kitchen.

  I walked backwards towards the kitchen, not taking me eyes off the dog.

  Thelma stooped down, grabbing him, and he twisted and turned in her arms, spinning around, and landed himself on the floor again and took off, flying along the hall, slipping and sliding on the shiny floor cloth, and making straight for me again.

  I lost me nerve, forgetting te stand still when a dog is after ye, and ran straight inta the mammy hanging up her coat. ‘Aaah!’ I moaned.

  ‘Stop, Scrapper!’ screeched Thelma.

  ‘Come here teh me, you!’ growled the daddy. ‘Enough of yure aul carry-on,’ and he grabbed hold of the dog, running with him te the hall and banging the door shut.

  I let me breath out, me heart going like mad. I’m frightened outa me life of dogs when they bark at me, I thought te meself, trying te get me breath back.

  ‘We picked up the orphan!’ shouted the grandad te the granny sitting in the armchair beside the roaring red fire, staring at me and looking at him te hear what he said. ‘The nuns!’ he pointed at me.

  ‘Wha?’ shouted the granny, holding her hand te her ear. ‘Wha nuns? She’s not a nun!’ she said, pointing her finger at me.

  ‘No! I didn’t say she was,’ roared the grandad, leaning down and screaming inta her ear.

  ‘Ah! Stop talking like that!’ shouted the mammy folding her scarf and getting very annoyed.

  I was annoyed, too, and about te tell him I had a mammy, and brothers and sisters!

  ‘This is Martha, Granny. She’s come to stay over the Christmas with us!’ said the mammy, with her arm around my waist, pulling me over te the granny and leaning down smiling.

  ‘Oh, right!’ Granny said, looking at me, then looking at the mammy te make sure she was hearing right. ‘Martha, did yeh say?’ roared the granny.

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘Oh, dat’s lovely,’ the granny said, pulling down her long black old frock, stretching it nearly te her ankles. ‘And wha part of the country are yeh from?’ shouted the granny te me. ‘Who did yeh say she belongs teh? What side a the family do yeh belong teh? Do I know yeh? Are yeh on Tom’s side a the family?’

  ‘No, Granny! She’s a friend of Thelma’s,’ shouted the mammy, shaking her head and looking at the ceiling. ‘Take no notice, Martha, pet! The poor thing is deaf as a post.’ Then she whirled around, shouting, ‘Are ye wearing your hearing aid, Granny?’

  ‘Wha?’ screeched the granny, holding her hand te her ear, getting very annoyed. ‘I can’t hear yeh! Speak up, for the love of God!’

  ‘Oh, Thelma, pet, would you ever go and see if Granny has her hearing aid switched off.’

  Thelma bounced on Granny, checking her, and shouted, ‘Now, leave your hearing aid on, Granny. She had it switched off, Mammy!’

  ‘As if I didn’t know,’ clucked the mammy. ‘She hears what she wants te hear.’

  The dog was making an awful racket, crying and whining and jumping on the handle; eventually it slipped down and he was in like lightning, making straight for the granny’s slipper.

  ‘Get dat thing outa here!’ she roared, rolling up a newspaper and belting him with it. He came flying back at her, trying te get the slipper off her foot. ‘Me bunions!’ she roared, slapping the dog harder with the newspaper. ‘Oh, the curse a blazes on yeh!’ she whined,
watching the dog take off with her slipper as she stuck out her right foot te get a look at the big knob sitting on her big toe.

  ‘DADDY!’ screamed the mammy, giving an unmerciful roar.

  I jumped with the fright and moved meself outa the way, and edged over te the far side of the kitchen, sitting down at the table. ‘Daddy,’ the mammy said quietly, dropping her head in her hands and lifting her face up again, looking mortified, with her face turning red and throwing the eye at me, then looking away quickly.

  The daddy was pouring himself out a drink from a whiskey bottle and spilt some with the fright, saying, ‘Oh! Be the Holy Moses!’ And looked up at the mammy shouting, ‘What? What is it? What’s wrong wit yeh? I’m afther spilling a good drop a me poteen here yure father brought me up special from home. Now look at wha she made me go an do!’

  ‘Never mind your aul poteen, Daddy, would you ever take Scrapper and his bed and put him outside in the hall, this minute! I want him to know he’s banished!’

  ‘I have a quicker solution to dat!’ roared the grandad, glaring at the dog, bending down te wait for the dog te pass, then snatch him! ‘Give him a good kick up the arse for himself!’

  ‘You’ll do no such thing!’ the mammy said, raising her voice, her eyes travelling around after the dog, who was sitting in the corner, growling and tearing lumps outa the slipper.

  ‘Dere’s no peace for the wicked!’ moaned Daddy, leaving down his bottle a poteen and moving slowly after the dog with his hands out ready te catch him.

  Poteen, did he say? I heard a tha stuff! One whiff a tha stuff and it’s supposed te blow the top of yer head clean offa yer shoulders. The aul fellas in the country do make it, and they’re always on the run because the police are tormented running after them trying te catch them at it! That’s gas, I thought to meself, looking over at the aul grandad slurping away on his jungle juice – that’s what some people call it. And they only get their hands on it if they know somebody coming up from the country. Then they’re not real Dubliners at all; it means they were only born there, but their mas and das are probably culchies. Or maybe they are married te one, like the one I met!