Ma, I'm Gettin Meself a New Mammy Read online

  I dragged meself down the back stairs and headed up the long passage, passing the kitchen, hearing Mercy shout at Loretta. I stopped te listen, keeping well outa the way.

  ‘Will yeh bring me in a clean pot! Are yeh making dem in dat scullery? I only asked yeh to wash dem!’

  ‘But it’s tea time, Sister Mercy!’ roared Loretta, sounding like she was either going te cry or lose the rag and throw the pots at Mercy. ‘And I’m missing my tea!’ she wailed.

  ‘Aarh! I’m missing my own tea as well, you amadan! Haven’t I a mouth on me, too? Here! Get out now and come straight back here as soon as yeh get something to eat. Yeh still have your passage to scrub! So don’t forget dat!’

  ‘No, Sister Mercy! Yes, Sister Mercy! Three bags full, Sister Mercy!’

  ‘Get out, yeh cheeky brat,’ Mercy roared, making a run at Loretta.

  I leapt up the passage just as Loretta came flying up behind me, hearing me roaring me head laughing.

  ‘Did you enjoy that, Long?’ roared Loretta, trying te take her spite out on me.

  ‘Yeah! I haven’t had that much of a laugh since I saw ye scrubbing the kitchen passage!’ I cackled.

  As soon as I whipped me head in the door, Sister Eleanor pounced.

  ‘Martha, pet,’ she whispered, taking me arm. Pet! What’s she after? ‘As soon as you finish your tea, I’ll be back from the convent, and I want you to come down to the nursery with me.’

  Ah, Jaysus, no! I was afraid te ask her in case she told me. I’m not in the mood te sleep with the babies tonight. She knows I love them, but having te sleep with them . . . Nah! Not a good idea. I’m banjacksed after that week of scrubbing every single day.

  I gave a big sigh, feeling fed up. I can’t say no, or she’ll go off in a sulk and won’t speak te me. ‘All right, Sister Eleanor,’ I sighed.

  ‘No! There’s no need to look so worried,’ she laughed. ‘Just wait until I get back. Now go and have your tea like a good girl.’

  I cheered meself up at that news. I wonder what she finds so interesting, then. Maybe she wants me te start painting something down there during me spare time over the weekend, in preparation for the Christmas.

  Last year, during the summer, she had me painting every chair in the house. She had them all stacked up in the spare room leading inta the laundry. So now I know how te paint! Nuns are great for finding work for idle hands; it was during me weekends at that. ‘The devil makes work for idle hands,’ they bleat, showing ye how te do a job, as if they’re going te help ye! Then they beetle off, leaving ye te get on with it! Crafty aul cows. I was hoping te get stuck inta me new book, Pride and Prejudice. Sorry, Jane, you shall just have to await my pleasure, to admire your wonderful ability to swoop me out of this place and take me to another era, as you would say!

  I stopped te listen te meself. Merciful hour! T’is true. I am becoming a lady of letters! I must remember te say that again. It will impress Ma Pius no end! Gawd! I’m really coming on with me learning. And, of course, me diction.

  Right! Where’s the grub? Boiled egg – bulletproof, of course! I tapped it with the spoon and it hopped onta sour-face Blondie’s lap sitting next te me. I grabbed it.

  ‘Get your dirty filthy hands offa me, you lesbian!’ roared Blondie.

  ‘Whoo! Wah!’ the big ones roared over from the table next te me.

  I held up the egg, ‘Sorry! Flying egg! Desperate dopey dolly here thinks she’s being molested by a chicken’s droppings!’ I announced.

  ‘Jaysus, Long! Did you swallow the dictionary?’ Hatchet-face from the other table roared.

  That one thinks she’s gorgeous! I sniffed te meself, looking back at her with the long stringy hair and the sharp bony face with the ferret eyes. I turned back te me egg and ignored her.

  After I finished, I dropped me dishes over te the sink, leaving them on the draining board.

  ‘Here, Long, you stupid mope! Stack them properly! I’m not your slave!’ roared Miller at me, staring at the mound of dishes piling up.

  ‘You stack them, Miller. It will make a change for ye from scratching yer arse!’

  ‘Say that again one more time and I’ll throw this kettle at you,’ she snarled, grinding her teeth and holding up the empty big heavy kettle.

  I walked on a bit, heading for the door, keeping me distance te make it more difficult for her te aim the kettle, then stopped just inside the door. ‘Miller! Ye may scare the shite outa Sister Eleanor! But one box from me would demolish half of that disgusting greasy fat ye’re dragging around. Ye’re supposed te be on odd jobs, but I’ve been doing yer work long enough; now it’s your turn, ye fat, lazy slut!’ Then I ducked, seeing the kettle flying through the air and landing on the pillars holding up the ceiling. I watched it collapse onta the floor, landing in a battered heap.

  ‘Now look what you made me do,’ she screamed, her eyes not believing she might be in real trouble for once.

  I laughed, skipping outa the refectory and heading up the passage te wait on the landing for Sister Eleanor, before she gets the bad news about her kettle and forgets all about me.

  ‘There you are!’ Sister Eleanor puffed, her eyes spinning around the landing and up te the other floors, seeing if anything or anyone was outa place and needed her ordering. She stooped te pick up a coat dropped on the cloakroom passage. ‘Tsk, tsk, those children are very untidy,’ she muttered, getting all red in the face and pained-looking, working herself up inta a tizzy.

  Gawd! Will ye ever stop fussing, Sister Eleanor, I muttered te meself. I wish ye would be easy in yerself. Jaysus! She’s going te go mad over that kettle! I better make meself scarce when I find out what she wants. Miller is her pet and can do no wrong. Sister Eleanor will even do the work herself – well, sort of! – knowing she can get no good outa Miller. I can’t see what her attraction is meself; she has a poison personality, drags her fat bulk around looking like she’s had fifteen kids and they’ve taken it outa her, and she’s not even sixteen yet! Hm!

  ‘Sister!’ I let a roar outa me.

  ‘What! What is it?’ she said, lifting her head from the floor, purple veins sticking outa her temple, trying te sort out the boots and shoes, putting them back on the shelf. ‘What? . . . Give me a hand here with these shoes, for the love of God,’ she whined. ‘Those children are really filthy!’

  I looked around. Any minute now someone is going te come screaming up that passage roaring I smashed the kettle. Poor Harriet was only standing beside the kettle, and it was me that made it fly through the air. Eleanor will go mad with me for upsetting her precious Harriet.

  ‘Sister Eleanor! Are we going down te the nursery?’

  ‘Yes! Yes,’ she smiled, standing herself up, then fixed her veil on her head, taking off for the nursery at a bracing gallop.

  Oh, I love the way that word came te me – bracing! I rushed up behind her, hearing the noise before we got there.

  ‘Oh, God almighty! I can hear it from here,’ muttered Sister Eleanor, belting in the door with me on her tail dying te know what all the mystery is about.

  ‘Here we are!’ she said, stooping down te a little tiny baby girl with a mop of curly gold hair and a tiny little white face with big blue velvety eyes looking like they were too big for her face. She was standing in the middle of the room on a little miniature pair of matchstick legs, roaring at a big young one.

  ‘No! Youse buck off! I’m not sittin on tha! I want me ma!’

  ‘OK! I give up,’ sighed Vanessa Andrewson, giving me a dirty look, saying, ‘Sister Eleanor! That child has not stopped screaming since she was brought through that door,’ and marched off, taking the potty with her.

  ‘Agnes! Look who’s here to see you,’ crooned Sister Eleanor, dropping on her knees te wrap her arms around the tiny little body.

  Agnes stopped roaring te stare inta the nun’s face, her mouth dropping open te take in what the nun had te say. ‘Is it me ma?’ she asked in a high-pitched squeak.

  I can’t believe she’s well abl
e te talk at that size, I thought,dropping down on me knees te touch her and grab her up in a tight hug. Ah, now I know what Sister was after. She wants me te placate this little one. She gets me te mind the new little ones who arrive here terrified and making strange. Eleanor is always telling me I have a wonderful way with the little ones. Yeah! It’s because I’m used te looking after little children. I understand them.

  ‘This is your big sister Martha!’ Sister whispered, smiling and pointing at me.

  I nearly fell over; the shock knocking the stuffing outa me. ‘Me sister! How? When? . . .’

  ‘Yes, this is Agnes, your little sister! Isn’t she a little dote?’ she said, squeezing Agnes. ‘She’s just over two years old.’

  ‘Bar ta! Me big sista?’ she asked the nun in a squeak, looking at her. Then she looked at me, staring at me, taking me in from head te foot, deciding the nun was telling the truth; she could see a bit of the ma in me!

  I laughed, watching her staring and deciding if she trusts me or not.

  ‘Bar ta!’ she suddenly roared, throwing herself at me. ‘Me ma said ye’re te mind me!’

  I scooped her up in me arms and she weighed a feather! I could feel her little ribs under the thin skin and I looked at her tiny white matchstick legs, feeling them. I squeezed her te me and I felt her taking the air inta her lungs, flying down through her, sinking inta the bottom of her belly, then letting go a big sigh, her little frame collapsing, losing the rigid tension and melting inta me, fitting herself snugly inta me arms and dropping her head onta me chest, totally at peace, feeling safe.

  I stood rocking her, watching Sister Eleanor get te her feet, saying, ‘We’ll go up to the middle group; the rest of the girls are up there.’

  ‘Dinah and Sally?’

  ‘Yes, Martha. Your mammy has gone into hospital to have the new baby, and we have them all here. They will only stay for a short while, to give the poor creature a rest, God help her!’ Sister Eleanor was saying as I flew out the door making for the stairs with Agnes in me arms.

  ‘Are ye takin me te Dinna? Are ye goin te find everyone?’ Agnes roared at me in her little aul granny voice with the highpitched squeak, holding me face with her two little hands, lifting her eyebrows and looking straight inta me eyes. ‘Are ye?’ she whispered, looking hopeful.

  ‘Yeah! Come on! We’ll go and find them,’ I giggled, jerking her up and down with excitement. Then it hit me! I stopped dead on the stairs. ‘Are me brothers here? Charlie and the others?’ I said te Eleanor, belting up behind me.

  ‘Charlie? . . . No, Martha. We have Teddy and Harry. Why, is there another one?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, me heart sinking inta me belly. So the bastard kept Charlie back te mind him and cook his meals and do the messages. Then leave him stuck minding the house all on his own while he goes off drinking and comes back outa his mind drunk, reeling around the place and beating the shite outa poor Charlie. He’s . . . what age is he now? Gawd, he’s ten. If he’s anything like me, he’ll start te fuck off and leave them to it any day soon in the future. Gawd! I wish I could see him, get him here. Me heart felt very heavy as I took the rest of the stairs, thinking his suffering is still going on while I’m well out of it. God! Please, please watch over me poor little Charlie, and don’t let any harm come te him. Please, God! He has had a very hard life.

  I walked quickly down the passage and inta the middle group playroom, me eyes flying around the room and settling on the two little girls with the long fair hair and the blue eyes sitting together on the sofa, looking lost and staring around them, afraid te move with the young ones flying around each other messing and shouting and slapping each other. All having great gas! They look like twins, I thought, staring at them with me mouth open, trying te take it in. They’re here! With me! Dinah! Sally!

  ‘Lookit! Dem’s me sistas, Bar ta!’ roared Agnes inta me face, pointing and jerking herself, slipping outa me arms. I let her go and she flew, throwing herself at them, screaming at Dinah and Sally, looking from one te the other inta their faces. ‘It’s Bar ta! Me big sista! Lookit, Dinna! Will ye lookit, Saleh!’

  They lifted their heads, smiling shyly at me, their eyes lighting up.

  ‘Look at you two!’ I screamed at them, grabbing them and kissing them and sitting down between them, pulling them inta me arms.

  ‘They’re lovely children,’ Miss beamed at me, her mouth twitching, and throwing her long grey hair back from her face te get a better look, then looking te Sister Eleanor, beaming at her, seeing Sister smiling and staring, nodding her head in agreement.

  ‘Dat is me big sista, Bar ta,’ roared Agnes, looking up at the two women and pulling the nylons offa Miss te get her te take a better look at me, and then roaring back te Eleanor, ‘Dat’s my big sista dere!’ She pointed te me. ‘De ye know da, Missus?’ she said, roaring up at Sister Eleanor, who bent down and scooped her up inta her arms, roaring laughing, getting great enjoyment outa Agnes.

  ‘When did ye all get here?’ I whispered te the girls, looking from one te the other.

  ‘Today, yeah,’ little Sally whispered. Then she dropped her head, looking up at the two women, making sure they couldn’t hear, saying, ‘They gave us a wash!’

  ‘Yeah! In a big bath,’ whispered Dinah.

  ‘Yeah!’ slurped Sally with her tongue. ‘An we nearly got drownded, so we did!’

  ‘Yeah! It was terrible altogether,’ moaned Dinah.

  I kept looking from one te the other. ‘Tsk, tsk. Ye must have got an awful shock altogether!’ I whispered, shaking me head at them.

  ‘Yeah! We did an all!’ Dinah sighed, getting herself inta shock at the memory of it all over again.

  ‘We were cryin for ye, an tha aul one there, her!’ Sally said, pointing at Miss.

  ‘Shush!’ I laughed. ‘Don’t let her hear ye call her that,’ I said, taking her finger.

  ‘Well, the aul one there! She gave us the wash, an we kept roarin an cryin our eyes out an sayin we wanted ye!’

  ‘Yeah!’ Dinah sniffed. ‘But she wouldn’t get ye! She kept sayin ye’d be comin in a minute!’

  ‘They have lovely table manners,’ gushed Miss. ‘They use their knife and fork beautifully. Do you know, Sister, they have much more refinement than our own lot,’ she breathed te Sister, who kept smiling and shaking her head saying, ‘Oh, they are beautiful girls. You have lovely sisters, Martha.’

  I was busy thinking how they learned te use a knife and fork when they never even saw a fork up until now! It’s instinctive, I thought te meself, looking at them, me heart bursting with contentment and feeling really proud of them. Delighted at the praise they were getting. How did ye’s all get here without me seeing ye’s? I wondered. They must have come in the back door, and nobody said a word te me about the fact that they would be coming here. Nuns! They tell nothing!

  ‘Where are the boys, Sister Eleanor?’

  She leaned inta me, whispering, ‘They are in the nursery, Martha. They were having their bath when we arrived.’

  ‘Let’s go and see them,’ I said, standing up and taking the girls’ hands.

  ‘Lift me up, Bar ta!’ roared Agnes, getting worried we might leave her behind in a strange place again.

  ‘Come on, ye little fairy,’ I laughed, swinging her up inta me arms and taking Sally by the hand. ‘Come on, quickly! Let’s go down and see Teddy and Harry! I can’t wait te see them.’

  We walked back inta the nursery, seeing Teddy and Harry straight away sitting at a little table with their hands on their chins taking in everything around them. I recognised them straight away. Gawd! They’ve grown. Teddy’s brown coppery hair was gleaming and silky-looking. They must have cut it, I thought, looking at how clean they looked in their matching wine jumpers and grey long trousers. Harry’s strawberry blond hair and white little face stared out at me through a gorgeous pair of navy-blue eyes. Teddy has gorgeous eyes, too; they’re sky-blue with the whites dazzling-looking. They look very thin and tired, I thought, me heart melting at
the sight of them.

  Teddy jerked his head, dropping his hands when he saw me. ‘Marta! Marta! We’re here!’ he shouted, pushing back his chair and lifting his foot, getting caught in his hurry. ‘Lookit, Harry! It’s Marta! Come on will ya, quick!’

  I flew over, grabbing Teddy, mashing him te me, and he pulled away, lifting his head te talk te me, breathing heavily trying te get out everything at once. ‘Me ma’s gone te the hospital te get a new babby, an we were all taken in the car be the woman an brought te ye!’

  I looked over at Harry smiling with a crooked grin, wrapping his fingers through the top of his hair, smiling shyly and swinging himself slowly away from me, letting Teddy do all the talking and shaking his head agreeing with everything Teddy said.

  ‘We’re sleepin over here! Lookit! That’s my bed, an the one next te it is Harry’s.’

  I looked over at the two beds in the corner. ‘An we gorra wash, an he wouldn’t let the nun wash him, an I got me hair washed,’ he said, all in one big breath, stopping te swallow his spits, slurpin on them.

  ‘I did! It was you tha wouldn’t let the woman wash yer hair,’ Harry said, finding his voice at the lies Teddy was telling.

  ‘No! You were the one tha tried te gerouta the bath!’ Teddy said, leaning over te Harry, keeping his voice reasonable.

  ‘Fuck off!’ Harry roared. ‘I’m not speakin te you no more!’

  ‘Oh, boys! Language!’ screamed Sister Eleanor.

  ‘Come here and stop fighting, you two,’ I said, grabbing a hold of Harry and squeezing him in a hug, feeling his ribs sticking out.

  ‘We missed ye, Marta!’ roared Teddy, flinging his arms around me neck and strangling me.

  ‘Yeah! I missed all youse,’ I murmured inta their faces, squatting down on the floor and holding them against me cheeks. ‘I always kept thinking about youse! I never left ye outa me mind,’ I whispered.